We're headed out to graduation

It's hard to believe but we are headed out to Monarch for the last time. Its just two months shy of two years since Josh went away, and now he is coming home!

As much as the first few months seemed to crawl by, the last few have flown by. And since for a while Josh has been able to come home to visit every 5 or 6 weeks, it hasn't been as painful to have him away at school. And, of course, as we've watched him grow and mature, we've become more and more convinced that the decision to send him to Monarch was a good one. The school's not perfect but by and large we have had a great experience and I know Josh would say the same.

The one thing I don't really understand (and couldn't get a great answer from the school) is why they have graduation at the end of April instead of the end of May, when other schools have theirs. It means that Josh would come home and have nothing to do and no one to do it with, since all of his friends will still be in school. Seemed to us like a recipe for falling back into his old ways if he had too much time on his hands. So we went to the high school where he will do his senior year and asked if he could come to school for the last six weeks of junior year...not for credit, which he doesn't need and couldn't get, but just to have something to do and somewhere to go...a way to add structure to his day.

At first they said that they didn't didn't have kids register for school when there wasn't enough time left in the semester to get credit ( but it is a public high school and they can't deny him, right?) ...but when we exlained the situation they were great about it and have set up a special plan to reintegrate him into school life. ...so Tuesday morning at 8:00 he will return to our local high school for the rest of the semester. He'll also start driver's Ed in the evenings so I guess he'll be pretty busy.

It's a Great Day

Josh is home for a week-long visit and I am deliriously happy!

He also got promoted to Step 4 this week, so we have real cause to celebrate. It has taken longer than I had hoped or anticipated, but when I see how my son has grown and changed, I realize that it has all been worth it.

More later...

Catching Up

It's been a few months since my last post and lots has happened. Josh is progressing nicely through Monarch's program...maybe not as fast as we'd like, and not without some bumps along the way, but good progress nonetheless. We see him monthly, either out there when we visit him or here when he comes home,  and each time he seems healthier, more sure of himself,  more caring of those around him and more connected with his family.

I know there are people who criticize Monarch and other schools like it (and several have posted comments on this blog), characterizing its practices as brainwashing, abusive, cultish or just plain ineffective. And I can see that the program would not work for every child or in every situation; but for our son, the school, its staff and its program have been just what was needed. It's not perfect and I don't always agree with everything they do, but I have seen tremendous growth in my son in the past several months and I am grateful. I know this is something we could not have achieved on our own.

As I have read the critical (and sometimes crude and abusive) comments, I have observed that not one of the people making those comments has actually had first-hand experience with the Monarch School as a student or as a parent. So I am not sure where they get their information or why they see themselves as such authorities on the subject. I am sure I will get a flurry of comments in response to this. And go ahead. Have at it. But just know that I WILL NOT post anything with abusive or crude language.

Short Track Speed Skating

Last night's 500 meter short track speed skating event was very poignant for me.  Not because American skater Apolo Ohno was disqualified. But because exactly 16 years ago, while watching this same event on TV, my water broke and I went into labor with Josh. He was born on February 27, 1994 at 8:30 in the morning.

So, watching the race last night made me sad.  Sad because it feels like just yesterday that Josh was a tiny baby (well, not so tiny- he weighed in at 9 lbs when he was born). Sad because my kids are growing up so fast. Sad that Josh is going to celebrate this big milestone without us. Sad that we are missing the last years that he would've been here with us before going off to college and adulthood. Sad because I feel regret and guilt about all of the mistakes we have made parenting him that led to his being at Monarch.

Bill had to remind me to take the long view...It's more important that Josh be happy and healthy at 20 and 25 and 30 years old than it is to have him here with us right this moment. And, Josh has made tremendous progress in the last 5 months that we should be pleased and proud about. And this should help us see that there's light at the end of the tunnel. He's right and I agree with him. It's just hard.

Third visit: double overnight

This visit Josh got to join us for two nights off campus...nice for him to get a break from school, but the main purpose was for him to practice living "in agreement" (following the rules) and for us to practice holding boundaries. This is important because in a couple months he will be able to come home for a visit and we all need to be ready for that.

Since we're not allowed to stay in Sandpoint (so the staff can have some privacy, since that's where most of them live), we ended up staying in Bonner's Ferry. Katie went snowboarding at Schweizer Mt. both days while we hung out with Josh and talked, listened to music, and went out to eat.  It may not sound too exciting, but it was a good way for us to be together and in the moment.

Josh had just been promoted to Step 2 and was feeling very good about it. He has made incredible progress and seems so much happier and more comfortable with who he is. He still misses WOW and thinks about it on and off, but he is starting to understand the role it was playing for him and the void it was filling.

I can't believe he'll turn 16 in a few weeks and we won't be with him to celebrate it, but I guess I just have to take the long view. He's where he needs to be right now.

Second Visit and Lots of Progress

We just returned from visiting Josh at Monarch School. He has been there four months now and we can see that he has made so much progress. He seems more grounded, more confident, more comfortable in his own skin and I am so happy. Of course, there's lots more work to be done, both by him and by us, but it's a relief to see what has been accomplished so far. I know it's been hard for him, which makes me all the prouder.

This time the parents did an experiential exercise together ith our children. It was called "Sculpture" and we had to make a living sculpture of how we saw our family dynamic before Wilderness/Monarch and then talk about it. Seems kind of weird in the abstract but it was very revealing. I think we each learned something about how our family members perceive us and our roles in the drama.

This time Josh also got to have some time off campus. We didn't do anything major - we just hung out, talked, played board games and went out for dinner. Josh had an assignment to tell us his "life story"...obviously most of it was not new to us, but we gained a lot of insight from hearing the things he chose to focus on and talk about.

From our daughter's perspective the best thing about the visit (besides seeing her brother) was that we got to go horseback riding. Monarch has a wonderful new equine studies teacher. She does equine therapy as well as riding lessons, roping and barrel racing. It was cold so we were happy to stay in the indoor arena. Katie just loved the horses and is ready to enroll at the school. We'll be broke by then.

We had a long trip home...this really is the one major downside of Monarch: it is so inaccessible. But we are grateful to have found the school. It has turned out to be a perfect fit for Josh and his needs.

Tough Holiday

I am so glad Christmas is over. Without Josh here I just could not get in the mood to decorate or celebrate. of course, I did have to make an effort for Katie and for Bill, but my heart just wasn't in it. I had to keep reminding myself Josh is not gone forever, and that there will be other Christmases to celebrate together as a family. And that we will be able to enjoy them more as a result of the work that Josh, and we, are doing.

I also had to acknowledge that my feelings were not just about sadness and missing Josh, but also about guilt and regret for the things we did or did not do that got us where we are right now. Josh actually sounded good when we talked to him on Christmas day. They had had a big Christmas Eve feast and talent show and then slept in and had brunch before opening their stockings and gifts. While being away from family for the holiday is not easy, they try to make it special at Monarch, with lots of activities and fun things planned to celebrate the holidays. Also, lots of caring staff to nurture and support the kids.

Anyway, now it's over and I can get back to my normal routine where I don't have to be constantly reminded of Josh's absence. Plus, we are going back out to visit him in two weeks, so I have that to look forward to.