Last night's 500 meter short track speed skating event was very poignant for me. Not because American skater Apolo Ohno was disqualified. But because exactly 16 years ago, while watching this same event on TV, my water broke and I went into labor with Josh. He was born on February 27, 1994 at 8:30 in the morning.
So, watching the race last night made me sad. Sad because it feels like just yesterday that Josh was a tiny baby (well, not so tiny- he weighed in at 9 lbs when he was born). Sad because my kids are growing up so fast. Sad that Josh is going to celebrate this big milestone without us. Sad that we are missing the last years that he would've been here with us before going off to college and adulthood. Sad because I feel regret and guilt about all of the mistakes we have made parenting him that led to his being at Monarch.
Bill had to remind me to take the long view...It's more important that Josh be happy and healthy at 20 and 25 and 30 years old than it is to have him here with us right this moment. And, Josh has made tremendous progress in the last 5 months that we should be pleased and proud about. And this should help us see that there's light at the end of the tunnel. He's right and I agree with him. It's just hard.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
Third visit: double overnight
This visit Josh got to join us for two nights off campus...nice for him to get a break from school, but the main purpose was for him to practice living "in agreement" (following the rules) and for us to practice holding boundaries. This is important because in a couple months he will be able to come home for a visit and we all need to be ready for that.
Since we're not allowed to stay in Sandpoint (so the staff can have some privacy, since that's where most of them live), we ended up staying in Bonner's Ferry. Katie went snowboarding at Schweizer Mt. both days while we hung out with Josh and talked, listened to music, and went out to eat. It may not sound too exciting, but it was a good way for us to be together and in the moment.
Josh had just been promoted to Step 2 and was feeling very good about it. He has made incredible progress and seems so much happier and more comfortable with who he is. He still misses WOW and thinks about it on and off, but he is starting to understand the role it was playing for him and the void it was filling.
I can't believe he'll turn 16 in a few weeks and we won't be with him to celebrate it, but I guess I just have to take the long view. He's where he needs to be right now.
Since we're not allowed to stay in Sandpoint (so the staff can have some privacy, since that's where most of them live), we ended up staying in Bonner's Ferry. Katie went snowboarding at Schweizer Mt. both days while we hung out with Josh and talked, listened to music, and went out to eat. It may not sound too exciting, but it was a good way for us to be together and in the moment.
Josh had just been promoted to Step 2 and was feeling very good about it. He has made incredible progress and seems so much happier and more comfortable with who he is. He still misses WOW and thinks about it on and off, but he is starting to understand the role it was playing for him and the void it was filling.
I can't believe he'll turn 16 in a few weeks and we won't be with him to celebrate it, but I guess I just have to take the long view. He's where he needs to be right now.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Second Visit and Lots of Progress
We just returned from visiting Josh at Monarch School. He has been there four months now and we can see that he has made so much progress. He seems more grounded, more confident, more comfortable in his own skin and I am so happy. Of course, there's lots more work to be done, both by him and by us, but it's a relief to see what has been accomplished so far. I know it's been hard for him, which makes me all the prouder.
This time the parents did an experiential exercise together ith our children. It was called "Sculpture" and we had to make a living sculpture of how we saw our family dynamic before Wilderness/Monarch and then talk about it. Seems kind of weird in the abstract but it was very revealing. I think we each learned something about how our family members perceive us and our roles in the drama.
This time Josh also got to have some time off campus. We didn't do anything major - we just hung out, talked, played board games and went out for dinner. Josh had an assignment to tell us his "life story"...obviously most of it was not new to us, but we gained a lot of insight from hearing the things he chose to focus on and talk about.
From our daughter's perspective the best thing about the visit (besides seeing her brother) was that we got to go horseback riding. Monarch has a wonderful new equine studies teacher. She does equine therapy as well as riding lessons, roping and barrel racing. It was cold so we were happy to stay in the indoor arena. Katie just loved the horses and is ready to enroll at the school. We'll be broke by then.
We had a long trip home...this really is the one major downside of Monarch: it is so inaccessible. But we are grateful to have found the school. It has turned out to be a perfect fit for Josh and his needs.
This time the parents did an experiential exercise together ith our children. It was called "Sculpture" and we had to make a living sculpture of how we saw our family dynamic before Wilderness/Monarch and then talk about it. Seems kind of weird in the abstract but it was very revealing. I think we each learned something about how our family members perceive us and our roles in the drama.
This time Josh also got to have some time off campus. We didn't do anything major - we just hung out, talked, played board games and went out for dinner. Josh had an assignment to tell us his "life story"...obviously most of it was not new to us, but we gained a lot of insight from hearing the things he chose to focus on and talk about.
From our daughter's perspective the best thing about the visit (besides seeing her brother) was that we got to go horseback riding. Monarch has a wonderful new equine studies teacher. She does equine therapy as well as riding lessons, roping and barrel racing. It was cold so we were happy to stay in the indoor arena. Katie just loved the horses and is ready to enroll at the school. We'll be broke by then.
We had a long trip home...this really is the one major downside of Monarch: it is so inaccessible. But we are grateful to have found the school. It has turned out to be a perfect fit for Josh and his needs.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Tough Holiday
I am so glad Christmas is over. Without Josh here I just could not get in the mood to decorate or celebrate. of course, I did have to make an effort for Katie and for Bill, but my heart just wasn't in it. I had to keep reminding myself Josh is not gone forever, and that there will be other Christmases to celebrate together as a family. And that we will be able to enjoy them more as a result of the work that Josh, and we, are doing.
I also had to acknowledge that my feelings were not just about sadness and missing Josh, but also about guilt and regret for the things we did or did not do that got us where we are right now. Josh actually sounded good when we talked to him on Christmas day. They had had a big Christmas Eve feast and talent show and then slept in and had brunch before opening their stockings and gifts. While being away from family for the holiday is not easy, they try to make it special at Monarch, with lots of activities and fun things planned to celebrate the holidays. Also, lots of caring staff to nurture and support the kids.
Anyway, now it's over and I can get back to my normal routine where I don't have to be constantly reminded of Josh's absence. Plus, we are going back out to visit him in two weeks, so I have that to look forward to.
I also had to acknowledge that my feelings were not just about sadness and missing Josh, but also about guilt and regret for the things we did or did not do that got us where we are right now. Josh actually sounded good when we talked to him on Christmas day. They had had a big Christmas Eve feast and talent show and then slept in and had brunch before opening their stockings and gifts. While being away from family for the holiday is not easy, they try to make it special at Monarch, with lots of activities and fun things planned to celebrate the holidays. Also, lots of caring staff to nurture and support the kids.
Anyway, now it's over and I can get back to my normal routine where I don't have to be constantly reminded of Josh's absence. Plus, we are going back out to visit him in two weeks, so I have that to look forward to.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Monarch School in Winter
The kids may not want to be there, but the school and its setting ARE beautiful. Here are photos I took during my last visit.
Friday, December 18, 2009
A Whole Lot of Nothin'
What do you do for a whole weekend when you visit your child at Monarch School? The kids are not allowed off campus for the first couple of visits and the usual go-to forms of entertainment (like watching TV, listening to your ipod or surfing the net) are not an option at Monarch. So what do you do?
You slow WAY down. You actually talk to your child. You play board games. You walk around. You visit the horse barn. You hang out. The whole point is to be present in the moment, not planning for the future or rehashing the past. To have open and meaningful conversations about what you are thinking and feeling. One of the things Josh wanted to hear more about was his Dad's childhood, including some of his formative experiences and how they affected him. So they spent quite awhile talking about that. They also played team chess with another boy and his dad. Chess seems to be a big thing at Monarch. Katie and I spent a lot of time talking to and patting the horses. She was so dying to ride, but the riding instructor snt there on the weekends.
We actually had a parent workshop on Friday afternoon, where we did some experiential work around our "patterns" (the behaviors we tend fall back on repeatedly to deal with problems or situations...in this context we are talking about our less effective behaviors) and found this to be eye-opening and also a helpful way to get into the appropriate frame of mind for the weekend.
The kids have classes for their electives on Saturday mornings, so we got to see Josh's improv class run through the rehearsal for the show they were going to be doing for the school the following week. It was great fun and the kids clearly enjoyed it.
One of the most moving things is participating in "last light" with your child on Saturday night. They have last light every night and usually it's fairly short. But the weekend we were there conincided with the graduation of a group of kids, and the last light included some music interspersed graduates and their parents taking turns talking about their experience at Monarch, what it has meant for them and what they are grateful for. It's a pretty emotional event for them and even for us newbies.
You slow WAY down. You actually talk to your child. You play board games. You walk around. You visit the horse barn. You hang out. The whole point is to be present in the moment, not planning for the future or rehashing the past. To have open and meaningful conversations about what you are thinking and feeling. One of the things Josh wanted to hear more about was his Dad's childhood, including some of his formative experiences and how they affected him. So they spent quite awhile talking about that. They also played team chess with another boy and his dad. Chess seems to be a big thing at Monarch. Katie and I spent a lot of time talking to and patting the horses. She was so dying to ride, but the riding instructor snt there on the weekends.
We actually had a parent workshop on Friday afternoon, where we did some experiential work around our "patterns" (the behaviors we tend fall back on repeatedly to deal with problems or situations...in this context we are talking about our less effective behaviors) and found this to be eye-opening and also a helpful way to get into the appropriate frame of mind for the weekend.
The kids have classes for their electives on Saturday mornings, so we got to see Josh's improv class run through the rehearsal for the show they were going to be doing for the school the following week. It was great fun and the kids clearly enjoyed it.
One of the most moving things is participating in "last light" with your child on Saturday night. They have last light every night and usually it's fairly short. But the weekend we were there conincided with the graduation of a group of kids, and the last light included some music interspersed graduates and their parents taking turns talking about their experience at Monarch, what it has meant for them and what they are grateful for. It's a pretty emotional event for them and even for us newbies.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Our First Parent Visit to Monarch - Disclosures
It's been a while since my last post. I guess I just needed to take a break from the relentlessness of thinking and worrying constantly about Josh. After three months we were finally able to go out to our first parent visit. It was postponed because about a third of the students came down with the flu in early November and were quarantined to try and keep it from spreading. Josh had the flu as well as pneumonia.
One of the objectives of the first visit is for the child to give his "disclosures". This is where the child tells you everything they have done that they are not proud of, and the parent's job is to just listen while they put it all out there. It's cathartic for the child to be able to say these things, some of which the parents may not have heard or know about and some of which may be shocking to them. The child obviously dreads doing this but also feels a huge weight lifted off of them once they have done it, particularly if the parents can listen without judgment. It is the first step toward repairing a parent-child relationship that has gone wrong.
We were also terrified of what we might hear. But in our case, the disclosures were not as shocking as they are for some parents. Since WOW is Josh's drug of choice, we did not have to hear about the drugs, sex and violence that many parents do. We were aware of most of Josh's transgressions, at least in a broad sense, and the worst that we heard was about lying, unauthorized use of our credit cards and stealing small amounts of cash from our wallets.
Strangely, the very act of doing the disclosure has the effect of drawing parents and child together, as you are able (metaphorically) to set aside that baggage and get one with doing your work in pursuit of a healthier relationship.
One of the objectives of the first visit is for the child to give his "disclosures". This is where the child tells you everything they have done that they are not proud of, and the parent's job is to just listen while they put it all out there. It's cathartic for the child to be able to say these things, some of which the parents may not have heard or know about and some of which may be shocking to them. The child obviously dreads doing this but also feels a huge weight lifted off of them once they have done it, particularly if the parents can listen without judgment. It is the first step toward repairing a parent-child relationship that has gone wrong.
We were also terrified of what we might hear. But in our case, the disclosures were not as shocking as they are for some parents. Since WOW is Josh's drug of choice, we did not have to hear about the drugs, sex and violence that many parents do. We were aware of most of Josh's transgressions, at least in a broad sense, and the worst that we heard was about lying, unauthorized use of our credit cards and stealing small amounts of cash from our wallets.
Strangely, the very act of doing the disclosure has the effect of drawing parents and child together, as you are able (metaphorically) to set aside that baggage and get one with doing your work in pursuit of a healthier relationship.
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