Now that Josh is on his way to Utah I feel a huge sense of relief and can actually get some sleep. Brian and Randy text me continually throughout the day. "We are at the airport and Josh is fine. He had a big breakfast", "We are on the plane", "We have landed in Denver. Josh is in good spirits and is eating again", etc. Finally when they reach Elements they call me to tell me he has been delivered, safe and sound. So far, so good.
Josh is taken for a physical and then outfitted with all his gear and taken to where his group is camped. He is with a group of ten boys who have a variety of issues, from substance abuse to oppositional defiant behavior to depression. By design, they have been in the program varying lengths of time. Enrollment is rolling with boys arriving and leaving each week or so. That way the boys with some time under their belts can help the new boys get acclimated, offer support and reassure them about what to expect. It gives the more tenured boys an opportunity to practice the new leadership,team-building and interpersonal skills that they have been learning.
The first phase of the program, which lasts for a couple of days, is called Acclimation. The student is assigned both a peer mentor and a staff mentor. They learn the routines of living with a group in the wilderness and begin to share in the chores. They read "The Knight in Rusty Armor", which is about a knight who discovers that he must shed his social and emotional armor to expose his authentic self, and they explore the parallels between the knight and themselves. They are given a major assignment, which is to write a detailed and comprehensive personal history.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Sunday, August 9, 2009
We Make the Gut-Wrenching Decision
Although we have now settled on a program, Bill and I vacillate about "pulling the trigger". We lie in bed late into the night discussing our options. What if we don't send Josh to wilderness? Maybe he'll play WoW so much that he'll get sick of it or maybe he'll grow out of it. Not likely, but even if he does, we know that there are underlying reasons for his addiction that won't be addressed, and he could ultimately trade one addiction for another. We list out all the things that may be causing the addiction and ask ourselves if any of them will resolve itself over time without some sort of serious intervention. Very unlikely, we conclude.
We decide that, as much as this decision pains us, it is really the only responsible decision we can make. Our counselor has told us that we can turn on a dime and get Josh enrolled within a couple of days. We call Elements and are told that it will be another week before they have a spot open. We aren't prepared for this...once we have made the decision we want to act quickly before we get cold feet. They tell us they will get back to us if they can move it up. So now we start to get used to the idea of having Josh with us for another week. When they call us Thursday and say he can come on Monday, we are suddenly freaked out. We thought we had a bit of a reprieve. I briefly consider taking Josh out there myself. It will be dreadful even if I can actually get him to agree to go, but at least it seems like a more honest and above-board way to handle my son. Then Bill aks me what I will do if Josh pulls something cute at the airport like saying, "I've got a gun/bomb" . I quickly reconsider and call the Bill Lane & Associates to make the arrangements for the transport to Utah.
Bill Lane gets the flights and other arrangements set up quickly, we sign all the paperwork and authorizations, and he tells us that Josh will be on a 6:00 am flight Monday morning...that means that the two escorts will show up at our house at 3:45 am to collect him! A million things go through my mind: what and when should we tell Josh what's coming? What do we do with our 8 year old daughter when all of this is going down? What about our three very loud, barking dogs? What if Josh starts yelling and screaming and making a scene at 3:45 in the morning and the neighbors call the cops on us? I worry and stew and can't sleep or eat for days.
We meet with Brian and Randy (the escorts) at Panera on Sunday evening. They have flown in from Boise where they work as police officers when they aren't transporting teens. They calmly explain how everything will work. They are very personable and seem competent and professional. But Bill and I feel guilty about what we are doing and whether Josh will ever forgive us. We want to sit him down that night and explain what we are doing and why, but Brian and Randy counsel against it. They reassure us that they have done this many times and that it goes most smoothly if the child does not know ahead of time. At best, he will obsess and brood about it, which does him no good. At worst he will plot his escape and the whole thing will unravel. I feel horrible about "tricking" Josh, but they convince us that he will be fine and will not hold it against us when all is said and done.
We go home and try to act normal. We have sent our daughter to a friend's house for the night so she won't come out of her room to see her brother being dragged out of the house by two strange men. Josh comes home from the Dungeon around 9:30 and is in a good mood since he has had a good long fix of gaming. We have a nice conversation and I think, "Have we made a mistake? Do we really need to do this?"
I set the alarm for 3:30 am and we lie there staring at the ceiling while Josh sleeps in his room, oblivious to what is about to happen. When the alarm goes off we get up and put the dogs in the garage with some bones. We turn on the outside lights so that Brian and Randy can find the house in the dark. I have a backpack ready by the front door with a sweatshirt, Josh's ipod and his book. When the guys arrive we go upstairs and into Josh's room. I am so anxious I feel like I am going to throw up. But I nudge Josh and tell him to wake up. We tell him that he's got to get up because Brian and Randy are here to take him to camp. I am expecting him to go postal but he is groggy and just says, "Huh?...Where am I going? How long is it for?" We tell him we love him and will talk to him soon and then the guys motion to us to leave. We are supposed to leave the house so that Josh can't try pleading or bargaining. So we drive around for a while and when we come back they are gone.
We decide that, as much as this decision pains us, it is really the only responsible decision we can make. Our counselor has told us that we can turn on a dime and get Josh enrolled within a couple of days. We call Elements and are told that it will be another week before they have a spot open. We aren't prepared for this...once we have made the decision we want to act quickly before we get cold feet. They tell us they will get back to us if they can move it up. So now we start to get used to the idea of having Josh with us for another week. When they call us Thursday and say he can come on Monday, we are suddenly freaked out. We thought we had a bit of a reprieve. I briefly consider taking Josh out there myself. It will be dreadful even if I can actually get him to agree to go, but at least it seems like a more honest and above-board way to handle my son. Then Bill aks me what I will do if Josh pulls something cute at the airport like saying, "I've got a gun/bomb" . I quickly reconsider and call the Bill Lane & Associates to make the arrangements for the transport to Utah.
Bill Lane gets the flights and other arrangements set up quickly, we sign all the paperwork and authorizations, and he tells us that Josh will be on a 6:00 am flight Monday morning...that means that the two escorts will show up at our house at 3:45 am to collect him! A million things go through my mind: what and when should we tell Josh what's coming? What do we do with our 8 year old daughter when all of this is going down? What about our three very loud, barking dogs? What if Josh starts yelling and screaming and making a scene at 3:45 in the morning and the neighbors call the cops on us? I worry and stew and can't sleep or eat for days.
We meet with Brian and Randy (the escorts) at Panera on Sunday evening. They have flown in from Boise where they work as police officers when they aren't transporting teens. They calmly explain how everything will work. They are very personable and seem competent and professional. But Bill and I feel guilty about what we are doing and whether Josh will ever forgive us. We want to sit him down that night and explain what we are doing and why, but Brian and Randy counsel against it. They reassure us that they have done this many times and that it goes most smoothly if the child does not know ahead of time. At best, he will obsess and brood about it, which does him no good. At worst he will plot his escape and the whole thing will unravel. I feel horrible about "tricking" Josh, but they convince us that he will be fine and will not hold it against us when all is said and done.
We go home and try to act normal. We have sent our daughter to a friend's house for the night so she won't come out of her room to see her brother being dragged out of the house by two strange men. Josh comes home from the Dungeon around 9:30 and is in a good mood since he has had a good long fix of gaming. We have a nice conversation and I think, "Have we made a mistake? Do we really need to do this?"
I set the alarm for 3:30 am and we lie there staring at the ceiling while Josh sleeps in his room, oblivious to what is about to happen. When the alarm goes off we get up and put the dogs in the garage with some bones. We turn on the outside lights so that Brian and Randy can find the house in the dark. I have a backpack ready by the front door with a sweatshirt, Josh's ipod and his book. When the guys arrive we go upstairs and into Josh's room. I am so anxious I feel like I am going to throw up. But I nudge Josh and tell him to wake up. We tell him that he's got to get up because Brian and Randy are here to take him to camp. I am expecting him to go postal but he is groggy and just says, "Huh?...Where am I going? How long is it for?" We tell him we love him and will talk to him soon and then the guys motion to us to leave. We are supposed to leave the house so that Josh can't try pleading or bargaining. So we drive around for a while and when we come back they are gone.
We Choose a Wilderness Therapy Program
It was a tough choice, but ultimately we chose Elements for our son. We liked it because it is smaller and also a bit less expensive that the others. The founders and most of the staff came from Second Nature and the program is similar. Our counselor assured us it was top-notch and the quality of treatment was not at all compromised by the lower cost.
Since the chances of Josh going willingly to wilderness was slim to none, our counselor and the folks at Elements recommended that we use a transport service (I kept calling it an escort service and Bill kept reminding me that that is something quite different :)
A transport service will pick up your child and accompany them all the way to the wilderness program. They take care of everything, including rental car, plane tickets, food etc. You don't even need to pack a bag because the child just goes with the clothes on his back and the program supplies everything they need at the other end. The one that was recommended to us, and I will recommend it to you is Bill Lane & Associates. They are super professional, responsive and well-trained in how to handle situations where the teen may be uncooperative or hostile.
Since the chances of Josh going willingly to wilderness was slim to none, our counselor and the folks at Elements recommended that we use a transport service (I kept calling it an escort service and Bill kept reminding me that that is something quite different :)
A transport service will pick up your child and accompany them all the way to the wilderness program. They take care of everything, including rental car, plane tickets, food etc. You don't even need to pack a bag because the child just goes with the clothes on his back and the program supplies everything they need at the other end. The one that was recommended to us, and I will recommend it to you is Bill Lane & Associates. They are super professional, responsive and well-trained in how to handle situations where the teen may be uncooperative or hostile.
Monday, August 3, 2009
We Explore Wilderness Therapy
As soon as we get home from the counselor's office I start investigating the four wilderness therapy programs she has recommended. All have good reputations and I was impressed by the people I later spoke to at each one, so here are the names:
First off, a wilderness therapy program is an entirely different animal than a wilderness boot camp (what I originally looked into and, thankfully, got scared off from). Boot camps are informed by the military model and their objective is to gain control, compliance and obedience from wayward teens. It also relies heavily on negative reinforcement to achieve these objectives; everything from loss of privileges to deprivation to isolation to corporal punishment. It can work in the short term (who wouldn't comply when faced with harsh punishment?) but often results in long term psychological problems. Several of these programs have been shut down and some have moved their operations off of US soil to avoid regulation and investigation.
Wilderness therapy, in contrast, is driven by a philosophy of experiential education and positive self-discovery. These programs are run by highly trained clinical staff who use the challenges of the wilderness environment as a kind of metaphor for life's challenges. Getting kids away from the environment where they had developed maladaptive behaviors and getting back to basics fosters increased self-esteem, confidence and responsibility. The kids spend time not only hiking, building shelters and learning to make fire, but they also do a lot of group and individual therapy and explore their feelings through written assignments. While most kids are initially reluctant to go to this type of program, most report after the fact that it was a positive and formative experience.
I could go on and on but here is a web site worth reading to learn more:
http://www.wildernesstherapy.org/Wilderness/WildernessVsBoot.htm
- Second Nature (Utah): www.snwp.com
- Elements (Utah): www.elementswilderness.com
- Soltreks (Minnesota): www.soltreks.com
- SUWS (Idaho): www.suws.com
First off, a wilderness therapy program is an entirely different animal than a wilderness boot camp (what I originally looked into and, thankfully, got scared off from). Boot camps are informed by the military model and their objective is to gain control, compliance and obedience from wayward teens. It also relies heavily on negative reinforcement to achieve these objectives; everything from loss of privileges to deprivation to isolation to corporal punishment. It can work in the short term (who wouldn't comply when faced with harsh punishment?) but often results in long term psychological problems. Several of these programs have been shut down and some have moved their operations off of US soil to avoid regulation and investigation.
Wilderness therapy, in contrast, is driven by a philosophy of experiential education and positive self-discovery. These programs are run by highly trained clinical staff who use the challenges of the wilderness environment as a kind of metaphor for life's challenges. Getting kids away from the environment where they had developed maladaptive behaviors and getting back to basics fosters increased self-esteem, confidence and responsibility. The kids spend time not only hiking, building shelters and learning to make fire, but they also do a lot of group and individual therapy and explore their feelings through written assignments. While most kids are initially reluctant to go to this type of program, most report after the fact that it was a positive and formative experience.
I could go on and on but here is a web site worth reading to learn more:
http://www.wildernesstherapy.org/Wilderness/WildernessVsBoot.htm
Sunday, August 2, 2009
We Seek Actionable Advice on How to Handle WoW Addiction
Bill and I realize that just having Josh go to therapy once a week is not going to get us anywhere. The therapist recommends doing family therapy as well. He says that even if Josh won't go, it would do us good to have someone to talk to. I don't have a problem with that but it doesn't seem to be the answer either. Finally I tell the therapist that what we really want is specific, actionable advice on how to handle Josh and his gaming problem. We have tried everything we can think of and nothing works. We don't know how to help our son. I have looked online and come across some bootcamp programs where desperate parents send their out of control teens, and thought, "maybe this is the answer". But then I found a web site by a mom who warns that these programs are often scams and do much more harm than good. She is speaking from personal experience because she sent her daughter to one. This has really freaked me out. Would I have fallen for one of these scams if I had not come across her site?
The therapist gives me the name of an educational consultant. I did not know there was such a thing and I don't know what exactly they do, but I make an appointment and Bill and I go see her. We describe our problem and she tells us about wilderness therapy and how that has been effective with kids who have addictions and other behavioral or emotional issues. Unlike the "bootcamp" programs, wilderness therapy is not based on deprivation but rather intensive therapy, self awareness etc. Also, this consultant has no affiliation with any of the programs she recommends and gets no kick back (unlike some of the consultants who recommend bootcamps). She also recommends only programs she has personally vetted. She gives us the names of 4 programs she thinks could help Josh. They are several weeks in length (open-ended based on how fast and well the child progresses) and very expensive. Also, many times it is recommended that the child go on to a therapeutic boarding school afterwards to sustain and build on the progress made at the wilderness program. Needless to say, these schools are also very expensive.
Bill and I leave the counselor's office with a lot to think about.
The therapist gives me the name of an educational consultant. I did not know there was such a thing and I don't know what exactly they do, but I make an appointment and Bill and I go see her. We describe our problem and she tells us about wilderness therapy and how that has been effective with kids who have addictions and other behavioral or emotional issues. Unlike the "bootcamp" programs, wilderness therapy is not based on deprivation but rather intensive therapy, self awareness etc. Also, this consultant has no affiliation with any of the programs she recommends and gets no kick back (unlike some of the consultants who recommend bootcamps). She also recommends only programs she has personally vetted. She gives us the names of 4 programs she thinks could help Josh. They are several weeks in length (open-ended based on how fast and well the child progresses) and very expensive. Also, many times it is recommended that the child go on to a therapeutic boarding school afterwards to sustain and build on the progress made at the wilderness program. Needless to say, these schools are also very expensive.
Bill and I leave the counselor's office with a lot to think about.
A Summer without World of Warcraft
Now we have to figure out how Josh is going to make up the three courses he has failed. I contact the school and learn that he can take English this summer but that's it. He'll have to make up the other classes during the year or next summer. I sign him up. The class is two hours every morning. He comes home the first day and says, "Mom, why did you sign me up for that class? It's a bunch of idiots." I say, "What did you expect? The brain trust of your school doesn't have to take summer school English. They passed it the first time." "Oh,"he says as the light bulb goes on.
Josh does diligently attend his summer school class, which is a joke as far as I can tell. It takes them two weeks to read "Farenheit 451", a book of about 150 pages. They have discussion and do little exercises in class and have no homework.
Josh continues to lobby relentlessly to get access to the game. We tell him he needs to demonstrate that he is not dependent on it. We give him a list of chores, activities and therapy he needs to do to earn back some game time. He tells us we should give him access now and he will do those things. We tell him he has to show us first. That sends him over the edge. He rants and raves but we stand firm. We take him to a new therapist because he thinks he can relate better to a guy than a woman. Fine with us, as long as he goes.
Of course, now he takes the bus down to the mall where there is a gaming place called "The Dungeon"...or he goes over to friends' houses to play. His friend Jon goes away to camp and lends him his laptop, which he hides in his room under the bed. We discover it a few days later. I try to talk to him about why the game has such a powerful hold over him and he says, "I only feel happy when I am playing the WoW." Oh, God.
Josh does diligently attend his summer school class, which is a joke as far as I can tell. It takes them two weeks to read "Farenheit 451", a book of about 150 pages. They have discussion and do little exercises in class and have no homework.
Josh continues to lobby relentlessly to get access to the game. We tell him he needs to demonstrate that he is not dependent on it. We give him a list of chores, activities and therapy he needs to do to earn back some game time. He tells us we should give him access now and he will do those things. We tell him he has to show us first. That sends him over the edge. He rants and raves but we stand firm. We take him to a new therapist because he thinks he can relate better to a guy than a woman. Fine with us, as long as he goes.
Of course, now he takes the bus down to the mall where there is a gaming place called "The Dungeon"...or he goes over to friends' houses to play. His friend Jon goes away to camp and lends him his laptop, which he hides in his room under the bed. We discover it a few days later. I try to talk to him about why the game has such a powerful hold over him and he says, "I only feel happy when I am playing the WoW." Oh, God.
Three Fs in School, Thanks to WoW
It's been a long and difficult spring. After Josh's weeklong hospitalization, plus week of outpatient treatment, he comes back to school and gets support from a program they have there for kids transitioning back from an illness or other extended absence. Mainly he sleeps through class and study hall, either because he is depressed or because he has snuck downstairs to play World of Warcraft in the middle of the night (or both). Sometimes I catch him playing in the wee hours and we get into a yelling match, so neither of us is able to fall asleep.
Bill and I get notes and calls from Josh's adviser letting us know that Josh is not turning in important assignments and risks failing if he does not get it together. He has already dropped French in order to catch up on his other core subjects and they have demoted him from level 4 English/world history to level 3. I beg, plead, cajole and threaten him to try and get him to apply himself to his studies. He says, "Don' t worry, Mom. I won't fail."
Josh is easily able to hack around the software we have put on on the computer to restrict the time he plays. We then put some restrictions on at the game level. But somehow Josh is able to open other accounts with someone else's credit card. The only reason we haven't take the computer away entirely is because he does need it for school. We try and limit his use to schoolwork but somehow he finds a way to play WoW. But finally when all else fails, Bill packs up the computer and related equipment and locks them in the trunk of his car. Josh is now if full "I hate you" mode and threatens to call DCFS to report us as unfit parents. He says he wants to go live in a foster home. I say, "Go ahead". What a wake-up call that would be!
As the school year comes to a close we learn that Josh has, in fact, failed three of his second semester classes. We cannot fathom how our extremely bright son has managed to do this. His teachers have given him second and third chances to turn in his work, but he doesn't, and they have no choice but to give him an F. Bill and I are at the end of our rope. We do not know where to turn.
Bill and I get notes and calls from Josh's adviser letting us know that Josh is not turning in important assignments and risks failing if he does not get it together. He has already dropped French in order to catch up on his other core subjects and they have demoted him from level 4 English/world history to level 3. I beg, plead, cajole and threaten him to try and get him to apply himself to his studies. He says, "Don' t worry, Mom. I won't fail."
Josh is easily able to hack around the software we have put on on the computer to restrict the time he plays. We then put some restrictions on at the game level. But somehow Josh is able to open other accounts with someone else's credit card. The only reason we haven't take the computer away entirely is because he does need it for school. We try and limit his use to schoolwork but somehow he finds a way to play WoW. But finally when all else fails, Bill packs up the computer and related equipment and locks them in the trunk of his car. Josh is now if full "I hate you" mode and threatens to call DCFS to report us as unfit parents. He says he wants to go live in a foster home. I say, "Go ahead". What a wake-up call that would be!
As the school year comes to a close we learn that Josh has, in fact, failed three of his second semester classes. We cannot fathom how our extremely bright son has managed to do this. His teachers have given him second and third chances to turn in his work, but he doesn't, and they have no choice but to give him an F. Bill and I are at the end of our rope. We do not know where to turn.
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