We Take the Next Step

The therapist at Elements has warned Josh that we are looking at boarding schools for him...although he is not happy about it, it does not surprise him because this is what has happened with most of the other boys who have left the program. We get our second phone call with him of the summer and explain our decision. The therapist has advised us against explaining too much or giving too much detail at this point. He wants to give Josh some time to absorb and process the fact that he is going to Monarch. After that he will give Josh a brochure and arrange a call with the admissions director of the school to have his questions answered. As we tell him about Monarch we can hear him crying, but he says he understands our decision and that he is at least glad to know what's next. The uncertainty has been hard on him.

After filling out all the school paperwork and writing a hefty check, I begin to make travel arrangements to pick up Josh at Elements and take him to Monarch. I am going solo, since Bill cannot get off work and Katie has school. The whole trip will take 5 days! I leave today to fly to Salt Lake City, then drive to Price Utah tonight. It's about 20 minutes away from Elements' headquarters, where I am supposed to show up at 9:00 am tomorrow. They will outfit me with camping gear and then take me to the boys' campsite, where I will spend the night and participate in group therapy and other activities. The next day we will return to the office where Josh will be discharged...we'll drive back to Salt Lake City and fly to Spokane that night. Finally, on Thursday we will drive the three hours to Monarch where Josh will be welcomed by his mentor and peer group leader. As it happens, the kids will be on break between terms, so Josh can do his orientation and get acclimated before starting classes in a couple weeks. I will only spend about 45 minutes at school because they are trying to avoid long drawn-out goodbyes, which don't help anyone. So I get to turn around almost immediately and drive back to Spokane for a 6:00 am flight out the next morning. Whew!

As I prepare for the trip, a million things are going through my mind. I am excited to finally see Josh after 9 weeks and I am wondering how he will have changed. I also worry that he will balk about going to school and not sure how I will handle that. It's going to be really hard to leave him off, knowing that I won't get to see him until December when we are allowed our first parent visit. I hope I can stay positive and not cry in front of him.

Weighing the Pros and Cons of Schools

As soon as I am on the plane, I take out a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. While it's still fresh in my mind, I note the pros and cons of each school:

Carlbrook
+ strong academics
+ accessibility
+ weather
+ beautiful campus

- fewer extracurricular activities
- more rigid; more formal feel
- more expensive
- longer program

Monarch
+ good academics plus creative arts focus
+ vocational courses (cooking, equestrian, etc.)
+ structured but very nurturing and supportive
+ casual, comfortable feel
+ somewhat less expensive

- climate
- hard to get there from here


We are leaning towards Monarch, so I call some of the parent references and hear glowing reports about their children's experiences there and the positive longer term impact the school has had on them. We talk to Josh's therapist at Elements and he also feels Monarch would be the best fit.

As we are making our decision, we are confident that either school will do the job, but in the end, we choose Monarch. Even though Carlbrook would probably challenge Josh more academically, we are not as concerned about that right now. Our priorities are: 1) to make sure he has the support he needs to solidify and build on the progress from wilderness; and 2) to give him the best chance of finding other interests to replace his dependence on WoW. Because of the vocational classes and extracurricular activities, Monarch probably provides the best chance of that.

Carlbrook School

I had wanted to visit Carlbrook School on the same trip as my visit to Monarch, but I was told I couldn't come until I had sent in the (25 page!) application and had it approved...seemed a little inflexible, but I duly followed their instructions and made plans to visit the following week. I flew into Raleigh and had dinner with some friends I hadn't seen in 4 years; then got up bright and early and headed north to Virginia. I had been told not to be late as the admissions people had other commitments that day so, when I ran into heavy traffic on I-40, I started to stress out. I had been told that it was a two hour drive from Raleigh and it ended up taking almost two and a half hours, so I was prepared to be chastised for my tardiness. Luckily they were very understanding.


The campus is beautiful...very much a traditional prep school even though it is only seven years old. The founders had bought the main house and 100 acres of an old tobacco plantation and had then added new buildings in the same style. Unlike Monarch this school has a very formal feel.

I meet with the admissions director, the academic dean and the clinical director, all of whom have impressive credentials; then get a tour of the campus with the admissions director. It turns out that the dorms and classrooms are housed in semi-permanent trailers, as the school only has the budget to build one building per year. They are tucked back in the trees so they don't ruin the view of the main campus. The dorms are locked during the day so kids can't sneak back in for a nap. I am shown the "suspension room" where students are sent for a time-out for misbehavior or breaking rules. The point is for them to do some serious introspection and to re-think their behavior. I ask if they have to spend a whole day there and am told that sometimes kids will be there for as long as six weeks, eating all their meals there, etc. There may be multiple kids in there at a time but they are not allowed to talk to each other. Whether or not they are allowed to study depends on their infraction.


At lunch I get to sit with some of the students: 4 boys who have been at school for varying lengths of time for various reasons. Like the kids at Monarch they are both polite and friendly and very open with me about why they are here and what they have learned about themselves. They are incredibly self-aware, much more so than most of the adults I know. As we're chatting away, one of the boys mentions that, although he had been at school for several months, he had just returned from 4 weeks in "the woods" (wilderness program), where he had been sent for a "tune-up" after trying to leave campus. I make a mental note to ask the staff more about that.

After lunch I meet with the executive director, who is also one of the founders. He is an alum of a therapeutic boarding school in California where he was sent as a very troubled teenager. You would never know that by talking to him. He now has two master's degrees and is both charming and accomplished. He explains the history of the school and the philosophy. He started the school because he didn't feel that other therapeutic boarding schools were good enough academically. This school places strong emphasis on the academics and has very high standards for achievement. Many of the students go on to attend very prestigious colleges after Carlbrook.

When I ask him about consequences for misbehavior, he tells me that there are certain offenses for which kids will be sent back to wilderness for 4 weeks and then have their graduation date postponed by six months. Those offenses are: leaving campus without authorization (even if they storm out of a therapy session and walk off the grounds for 5 minutes and then come back), engaging in a sexual act or refusing to go to school. The one offense that will get a student expelled is an act of violence toward another person.This is explained to the students and all are clear on the rules and the consequences for breaking them.

I leave the school later than I had planned and barely make it back to the airport to make my flight.

Monarch School

I make plans to go visit the short list of schools. Monarch is first...and when I make my list of pros and cons, accessibility is definitely not one of the pros for this school. I fly to Spokane via Seattle, rent a car and drive east through Idaho and on to Heron, Montana. It's three hours east of Spokane and 50 miles or so south of the Canadian border. I guess that long, cold winters will be another con for this school.


The main campus has some dorms and classroom buildings clustered around the main common area/dining hall. All of the buildings are made of rough hewn logs so it feels more like a summer camp than a school. The barn with the horses, goats ad chickens is a little farther off near the student garden.

After speaking to the admission director I leave for a tour of campus with two students- they are very open and answer all my questions candidly. I get behind schedule because I spend too long patting and talking to each of the horses. Horses are definitely a selling point for me.

The high point of my day is lunch with the students. The food is fabulous and I learn that they have a 5 star chef who gave up the rat race to come teach culinary arts at the school. All the meals are prepared by the kids, who rotate through the culinary arts program. The kids I speak to tell me their stories: why they are there, what they have learned and what they aspire to do after they leave. They seem so mature and well-adjusted. As I watch the interactions of the students with each other and with the staff, I can see how incredibly nurturing and supportive this environment is. It is very structured but at the same time feels very casual and comfortable.

One of the things that appeals to me about this school is the variety of courses and activities it offers...in addition to the typical high school curriculum they offer things like forest management, equestrian studies, culinary arts, gardening, construction, creative arts, etc. I feel that this could be key for Josh.He needs to replace his passion for World of Warcraft with other passions and interests, so that he doesn't fall off the wagon, and this school offers enough variety that he is sure to find something that appeals to him.

Despite the inaccessibility and the long winter, this school has some real pluses. I am anxius to see how the other school stacks up.

We Face the Next Step After Wilderness

Wilderness therapy is an effective intervention for teens who are at risk. It removes them from toxic influences and breaks the destructive cycle they are in. We are told by our educational consultant and the folks at Elements that it is not usually a stand-alone treatment. A few weeks is not long enough for a kid to make long term changes, and they will go right back to their old self-destructive patterns once they get back to their old environment. In order to sustain and build on the progress made at wilderness therapy, it is usually recommended that kids go on to some sort of therapeutic boarding school. I have been in denial about this. I had held out hope that Josh would be "fixed" and come home for the start of sophomore year. But now it is very clear that is not where we're headed.

Our educational consultant talks to us about boarding schools and recommends three that she believes would be a good fit for Josh. These are not ordinary boarding schools...there is a high staff to student ratio and therapy is an integral part of the program. We discuss the schools with Josh's therapist, who helps us narrow the list to two schools, based on Josh's issues and what he needs to work on. The two schools we agree to explore further are Carlbrook, in Virginia, and Monarch, in Montana. Both of these schools are relatively new (7 years) and both were founded by alums of therapeutic boarding schools who had had a positive experience and yet felt that they could improve upon what existing schools were offering. While on paper many aspects of these two schools are similar, they feel very different. Carlbrook is more like a traditional prep school and has a high level of academic rigor. Our consultant has recommended it because Josh is extrememly bright and she feels he would be challenged here. Monarch is more rustic and outdoorsy feeling, places more emphasis on creating a nurturing environment and has a greater variety of activities to participate in. I am drawn to it because of this. I feel that it's critical for Josh to find new interests and passions to replace his interest in World of Warcraft. Otherwise, I fear he will go right back to it.

Wilderness Therapy Progress

Josh has spent the last few weeks hiking, building fires (without matches), cooking meals, learning survival skills and engaging in therapy. The therapy takes several forms: there are reading and writing assignments, where the boys explore their feelings and motivations; there are structured group therapy sessions and individual therapy sessions; and on an ongoing basis the boys give each other feedback about their behavior. We have weekly conference calls with Josh's therapist where we discuss his progress. Josh is making "slow, incremental progress", according to his therapist...two steps forward, one step back. He has the insights about his issues, but struggles with putting those insights into practice. He seems to acknowledge that WoW is an addiction for him and genuinely regrets his behavior over the last several months, but he misses the game and is not willing to give it up altogether.

The Intervention Letter

The first communication we are to have with Josh at Elements is an intervention letter, in which we (each parent writes a separate letter) explain to Josh: why we have enrolled him at the program, how his behavior has affected both us and him, what goals we have for him at the program and what we would like him to accomplish. We are also reminded to highlight his strengths and positives, acknowledge the difficulty and challenges he will face and express our confidence in his ability to adapt and make the most of the experience.

This is a really difficult letter to write. Bill and I each spend several hours trying to articulate our feelings about all of this in a balanced way that also conveys the emotional toll that Josh's behavior has had on the whole family. The letter is meant not only to tell Josh how we feel but also to give the staff enough background and specific examples to tailor the therapy for him. Josh will keep and re-read this letter many times as he goes through the program, so we feel tremendous pressure to "get it right". I had hoped that writing it would be cathartic for me, but instead it has dredged up all the frustrations, worry and angst of the past several months and I feel depressed. I wonder how we could have messed up so badly as parents.