We just returned from visiting Josh at Monarch School. He has been there four months now and we can see that he has made so much progress. He seems more grounded, more confident, more comfortable in his own skin and I am so happy. Of course, there's lots more work to be done, both by him and by us, but it's a relief to see what has been accomplished so far. I know it's been hard for him, which makes me all the prouder.
This time the parents did an experiential exercise together ith our children. It was called "Sculpture" and we had to make a living sculpture of how we saw our family dynamic before Wilderness/Monarch and then talk about it. Seems kind of weird in the abstract but it was very revealing. I think we each learned something about how our family members perceive us and our roles in the drama.
This time Josh also got to have some time off campus. We didn't do anything major - we just hung out, talked, played board games and went out for dinner. Josh had an assignment to tell us his "life story"...obviously most of it was not new to us, but we gained a lot of insight from hearing the things he chose to focus on and talk about.
From our daughter's perspective the best thing about the visit (besides seeing her brother) was that we got to go horseback riding. Monarch has a wonderful new equine studies teacher. She does equine therapy as well as riding lessons, roping and barrel racing. It was cold so we were happy to stay in the indoor arena. Katie just loved the horses and is ready to enroll at the school. We'll be broke by then.
We had a long trip home...this really is the one major downside of Monarch: it is so inaccessible. But we are grateful to have found the school. It has turned out to be a perfect fit for Josh and his needs.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Tough Holiday
I am so glad Christmas is over. Without Josh here I just could not get in the mood to decorate or celebrate. of course, I did have to make an effort for Katie and for Bill, but my heart just wasn't in it. I had to keep reminding myself Josh is not gone forever, and that there will be other Christmases to celebrate together as a family. And that we will be able to enjoy them more as a result of the work that Josh, and we, are doing.
I also had to acknowledge that my feelings were not just about sadness and missing Josh, but also about guilt and regret for the things we did or did not do that got us where we are right now. Josh actually sounded good when we talked to him on Christmas day. They had had a big Christmas Eve feast and talent show and then slept in and had brunch before opening their stockings and gifts. While being away from family for the holiday is not easy, they try to make it special at Monarch, with lots of activities and fun things planned to celebrate the holidays. Also, lots of caring staff to nurture and support the kids.
Anyway, now it's over and I can get back to my normal routine where I don't have to be constantly reminded of Josh's absence. Plus, we are going back out to visit him in two weeks, so I have that to look forward to.
I also had to acknowledge that my feelings were not just about sadness and missing Josh, but also about guilt and regret for the things we did or did not do that got us where we are right now. Josh actually sounded good when we talked to him on Christmas day. They had had a big Christmas Eve feast and talent show and then slept in and had brunch before opening their stockings and gifts. While being away from family for the holiday is not easy, they try to make it special at Monarch, with lots of activities and fun things planned to celebrate the holidays. Also, lots of caring staff to nurture and support the kids.
Anyway, now it's over and I can get back to my normal routine where I don't have to be constantly reminded of Josh's absence. Plus, we are going back out to visit him in two weeks, so I have that to look forward to.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Monarch School in Winter
The kids may not want to be there, but the school and its setting ARE beautiful. Here are photos I took during my last visit.
Friday, December 18, 2009
A Whole Lot of Nothin'
What do you do for a whole weekend when you visit your child at Monarch School? The kids are not allowed off campus for the first couple of visits and the usual go-to forms of entertainment (like watching TV, listening to your ipod or surfing the net) are not an option at Monarch. So what do you do?
You slow WAY down. You actually talk to your child. You play board games. You walk around. You visit the horse barn. You hang out. The whole point is to be present in the moment, not planning for the future or rehashing the past. To have open and meaningful conversations about what you are thinking and feeling. One of the things Josh wanted to hear more about was his Dad's childhood, including some of his formative experiences and how they affected him. So they spent quite awhile talking about that. They also played team chess with another boy and his dad. Chess seems to be a big thing at Monarch. Katie and I spent a lot of time talking to and patting the horses. She was so dying to ride, but the riding instructor snt there on the weekends.
We actually had a parent workshop on Friday afternoon, where we did some experiential work around our "patterns" (the behaviors we tend fall back on repeatedly to deal with problems or situations...in this context we are talking about our less effective behaviors) and found this to be eye-opening and also a helpful way to get into the appropriate frame of mind for the weekend.
The kids have classes for their electives on Saturday mornings, so we got to see Josh's improv class run through the rehearsal for the show they were going to be doing for the school the following week. It was great fun and the kids clearly enjoyed it.
One of the most moving things is participating in "last light" with your child on Saturday night. They have last light every night and usually it's fairly short. But the weekend we were there conincided with the graduation of a group of kids, and the last light included some music interspersed graduates and their parents taking turns talking about their experience at Monarch, what it has meant for them and what they are grateful for. It's a pretty emotional event for them and even for us newbies.
You slow WAY down. You actually talk to your child. You play board games. You walk around. You visit the horse barn. You hang out. The whole point is to be present in the moment, not planning for the future or rehashing the past. To have open and meaningful conversations about what you are thinking and feeling. One of the things Josh wanted to hear more about was his Dad's childhood, including some of his formative experiences and how they affected him. So they spent quite awhile talking about that. They also played team chess with another boy and his dad. Chess seems to be a big thing at Monarch. Katie and I spent a lot of time talking to and patting the horses. She was so dying to ride, but the riding instructor snt there on the weekends.
We actually had a parent workshop on Friday afternoon, where we did some experiential work around our "patterns" (the behaviors we tend fall back on repeatedly to deal with problems or situations...in this context we are talking about our less effective behaviors) and found this to be eye-opening and also a helpful way to get into the appropriate frame of mind for the weekend.
The kids have classes for their electives on Saturday mornings, so we got to see Josh's improv class run through the rehearsal for the show they were going to be doing for the school the following week. It was great fun and the kids clearly enjoyed it.
One of the most moving things is participating in "last light" with your child on Saturday night. They have last light every night and usually it's fairly short. But the weekend we were there conincided with the graduation of a group of kids, and the last light included some music interspersed graduates and their parents taking turns talking about their experience at Monarch, what it has meant for them and what they are grateful for. It's a pretty emotional event for them and even for us newbies.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Our First Parent Visit to Monarch - Disclosures
It's been a while since my last post. I guess I just needed to take a break from the relentlessness of thinking and worrying constantly about Josh. After three months we were finally able to go out to our first parent visit. It was postponed because about a third of the students came down with the flu in early November and were quarantined to try and keep it from spreading. Josh had the flu as well as pneumonia.
One of the objectives of the first visit is for the child to give his "disclosures". This is where the child tells you everything they have done that they are not proud of, and the parent's job is to just listen while they put it all out there. It's cathartic for the child to be able to say these things, some of which the parents may not have heard or know about and some of which may be shocking to them. The child obviously dreads doing this but also feels a huge weight lifted off of them once they have done it, particularly if the parents can listen without judgment. It is the first step toward repairing a parent-child relationship that has gone wrong.
We were also terrified of what we might hear. But in our case, the disclosures were not as shocking as they are for some parents. Since WOW is Josh's drug of choice, we did not have to hear about the drugs, sex and violence that many parents do. We were aware of most of Josh's transgressions, at least in a broad sense, and the worst that we heard was about lying, unauthorized use of our credit cards and stealing small amounts of cash from our wallets.
Strangely, the very act of doing the disclosure has the effect of drawing parents and child together, as you are able (metaphorically) to set aside that baggage and get one with doing your work in pursuit of a healthier relationship.
One of the objectives of the first visit is for the child to give his "disclosures". This is where the child tells you everything they have done that they are not proud of, and the parent's job is to just listen while they put it all out there. It's cathartic for the child to be able to say these things, some of which the parents may not have heard or know about and some of which may be shocking to them. The child obviously dreads doing this but also feels a huge weight lifted off of them once they have done it, particularly if the parents can listen without judgment. It is the first step toward repairing a parent-child relationship that has gone wrong.
We were also terrified of what we might hear. But in our case, the disclosures were not as shocking as they are for some parents. Since WOW is Josh's drug of choice, we did not have to hear about the drugs, sex and violence that many parents do. We were aware of most of Josh's transgressions, at least in a broad sense, and the worst that we heard was about lying, unauthorized use of our credit cards and stealing small amounts of cash from our wallets.
Strangely, the very act of doing the disclosure has the effect of drawing parents and child together, as you are able (metaphorically) to set aside that baggage and get one with doing your work in pursuit of a healthier relationship.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Dreaming of Josh
Even though Josh has been away at school for a month now, I still think about him constantly throughout the day. In the middle of whatever I am doing I will stop and wonder what he is doing at that moment. Is he is in class? Having lunch? Or just hanging out with the other kids? I also dream about him. Last night I had one that was a new twist on the old final exam dream (the one where you realize you have an exam for a course that you've never attended and haven't read the book...and furthermore you can't seem to find out where the exam is being held). In the new version of the dream I have gone to Monarch School for parents' weekend. There seems to be construction going on all around the campus so it's hard to make your way from one building to another. Kids and parents are going from one activity to the next but I can't seem to find Josh anywhere. Finally, at the very end of the weekend I do find him, just in time to give him a big hug before I have to leave. I wonder what it means...am I afraid I won't be able to connect with him when I see him again? Will he have changed so much I won't really know him anymore? I wonder if other parents in my situation have similar dreams.
Friday, October 9, 2009
First Letter Home
After a two week wait we get our first letters from Josh. I am relieved that he seems pretty positive and upbeat. He misses home and his computer, but otherwise doesn't complain. In fact, he says school is way better than Wilderness. While this all seems good, the school has cautioned that it may not be as positive as it appears on the surface. They actually want the kids to act out and display their maladaptive behaviors so the staff can see first hand what the issues are and go to work addressing them. Apparently, many kids arriving at school start out very compliant, intent on "doing their time" and staying under the radar until they can come home. What generally happens with these kids is that they can't keep up the good behavior and, at some point, have a big meltdown. The staff would prefer that they get this out of their systems sooner rather than later because, until they do, they can't begin their "work".
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