We're headed out to graduation

It's hard to believe but we are headed out to Monarch for the last time. Its just two months shy of two years since Josh went away, and now he is coming home!

As much as the first few months seemed to crawl by, the last few have flown by. And since for a while Josh has been able to come home to visit every 5 or 6 weeks, it hasn't been as painful to have him away at school. And, of course, as we've watched him grow and mature, we've become more and more convinced that the decision to send him to Monarch was a good one. The school's not perfect but by and large we have had a great experience and I know Josh would say the same.

The one thing I don't really understand (and couldn't get a great answer from the school) is why they have graduation at the end of April instead of the end of May, when other schools have theirs. It means that Josh would come home and have nothing to do and no one to do it with, since all of his friends will still be in school. Seemed to us like a recipe for falling back into his old ways if he had too much time on his hands. So we went to the high school where he will do his senior year and asked if he could come to school for the last six weeks of junior year...not for credit, which he doesn't need and couldn't get, but just to have something to do and somewhere to go...a way to add structure to his day.

At first they said that they didn't didn't have kids register for school when there wasn't enough time left in the semester to get credit ( but it is a public high school and they can't deny him, right?) ...but when we exlained the situation they were great about it and have set up a special plan to reintegrate him into school life. ...so Tuesday morning at 8:00 he will return to our local high school for the rest of the semester. He'll also start driver's Ed in the evenings so I guess he'll be pretty busy.

It's a Great Day

Josh is home for a week-long visit and I am deliriously happy!

He also got promoted to Step 4 this week, so we have real cause to celebrate. It has taken longer than I had hoped or anticipated, but when I see how my son has grown and changed, I realize that it has all been worth it.

More later...

Catching Up

It's been a few months since my last post and lots has happened. Josh is progressing nicely through Monarch's program...maybe not as fast as we'd like, and not without some bumps along the way, but good progress nonetheless. We see him monthly, either out there when we visit him or here when he comes home,  and each time he seems healthier, more sure of himself,  more caring of those around him and more connected with his family.

I know there are people who criticize Monarch and other schools like it (and several have posted comments on this blog), characterizing its practices as brainwashing, abusive, cultish or just plain ineffective. And I can see that the program would not work for every child or in every situation; but for our son, the school, its staff and its program have been just what was needed. It's not perfect and I don't always agree with everything they do, but I have seen tremendous growth in my son in the past several months and I am grateful. I know this is something we could not have achieved on our own.

As I have read the critical (and sometimes crude and abusive) comments, I have observed that not one of the people making those comments has actually had first-hand experience with the Monarch School as a student or as a parent. So I am not sure where they get their information or why they see themselves as such authorities on the subject. I am sure I will get a flurry of comments in response to this. And go ahead. Have at it. But just know that I WILL NOT post anything with abusive or crude language.

Short Track Speed Skating

Last night's 500 meter short track speed skating event was very poignant for me.  Not because American skater Apolo Ohno was disqualified. But because exactly 16 years ago, while watching this same event on TV, my water broke and I went into labor with Josh. He was born on February 27, 1994 at 8:30 in the morning.

So, watching the race last night made me sad.  Sad because it feels like just yesterday that Josh was a tiny baby (well, not so tiny- he weighed in at 9 lbs when he was born). Sad because my kids are growing up so fast. Sad that Josh is going to celebrate this big milestone without us. Sad that we are missing the last years that he would've been here with us before going off to college and adulthood. Sad because I feel regret and guilt about all of the mistakes we have made parenting him that led to his being at Monarch.

Bill had to remind me to take the long view...It's more important that Josh be happy and healthy at 20 and 25 and 30 years old than it is to have him here with us right this moment. And, Josh has made tremendous progress in the last 5 months that we should be pleased and proud about. And this should help us see that there's light at the end of the tunnel. He's right and I agree with him. It's just hard.

Third visit: double overnight

This visit Josh got to join us for two nights off campus...nice for him to get a break from school, but the main purpose was for him to practice living "in agreement" (following the rules) and for us to practice holding boundaries. This is important because in a couple months he will be able to come home for a visit and we all need to be ready for that.

Since we're not allowed to stay in Sandpoint (so the staff can have some privacy, since that's where most of them live), we ended up staying in Bonner's Ferry. Katie went snowboarding at Schweizer Mt. both days while we hung out with Josh and talked, listened to music, and went out to eat.  It may not sound too exciting, but it was a good way for us to be together and in the moment.

Josh had just been promoted to Step 2 and was feeling very good about it. He has made incredible progress and seems so much happier and more comfortable with who he is. He still misses WOW and thinks about it on and off, but he is starting to understand the role it was playing for him and the void it was filling.

I can't believe he'll turn 16 in a few weeks and we won't be with him to celebrate it, but I guess I just have to take the long view. He's where he needs to be right now.

Second Visit and Lots of Progress

We just returned from visiting Josh at Monarch School. He has been there four months now and we can see that he has made so much progress. He seems more grounded, more confident, more comfortable in his own skin and I am so happy. Of course, there's lots more work to be done, both by him and by us, but it's a relief to see what has been accomplished so far. I know it's been hard for him, which makes me all the prouder.

This time the parents did an experiential exercise together ith our children. It was called "Sculpture" and we had to make a living sculpture of how we saw our family dynamic before Wilderness/Monarch and then talk about it. Seems kind of weird in the abstract but it was very revealing. I think we each learned something about how our family members perceive us and our roles in the drama.

This time Josh also got to have some time off campus. We didn't do anything major - we just hung out, talked, played board games and went out for dinner. Josh had an assignment to tell us his "life story"...obviously most of it was not new to us, but we gained a lot of insight from hearing the things he chose to focus on and talk about.

From our daughter's perspective the best thing about the visit (besides seeing her brother) was that we got to go horseback riding. Monarch has a wonderful new equine studies teacher. She does equine therapy as well as riding lessons, roping and barrel racing. It was cold so we were happy to stay in the indoor arena. Katie just loved the horses and is ready to enroll at the school. We'll be broke by then.

We had a long trip home...this really is the one major downside of Monarch: it is so inaccessible. But we are grateful to have found the school. It has turned out to be a perfect fit for Josh and his needs.

Tough Holiday

I am so glad Christmas is over. Without Josh here I just could not get in the mood to decorate or celebrate. of course, I did have to make an effort for Katie and for Bill, but my heart just wasn't in it. I had to keep reminding myself Josh is not gone forever, and that there will be other Christmases to celebrate together as a family. And that we will be able to enjoy them more as a result of the work that Josh, and we, are doing.

I also had to acknowledge that my feelings were not just about sadness and missing Josh, but also about guilt and regret for the things we did or did not do that got us where we are right now. Josh actually sounded good when we talked to him on Christmas day. They had had a big Christmas Eve feast and talent show and then slept in and had brunch before opening their stockings and gifts. While being away from family for the holiday is not easy, they try to make it special at Monarch, with lots of activities and fun things planned to celebrate the holidays. Also, lots of caring staff to nurture and support the kids.

Anyway, now it's over and I can get back to my normal routine where I don't have to be constantly reminded of Josh's absence. Plus, we are going back out to visit him in two weeks, so I have that to look forward to.

Monarch School in Winter

The kids may not want to be there, but the school and its setting ARE beautiful. Here are photos I took during my last visit.

 

 

A Whole Lot of Nothin'

What do you do for a whole weekend when you visit your child at Monarch School? The kids are not allowed off campus for the first couple of visits and the usual go-to forms of entertainment (like watching TV, listening to your ipod or surfing the net) are not an option at Monarch. So what do you do?

You slow WAY down. You actually talk to your child. You play board games. You walk around. You visit the horse barn. You hang out. The whole point is to be present in the moment, not planning for the future or rehashing the past. To have open and meaningful conversations about what you are thinking and feeling. One of the things Josh wanted to hear more about was his Dad's childhood, including some of his formative experiences and how they affected him. So they spent quite awhile talking about that. They also played team chess with another boy and his dad. Chess seems to be a big thing at Monarch. Katie and I spent a lot of time talking to and patting the horses. She was so dying to ride, but the riding instructor snt there on the weekends.

We actually had a parent workshop on Friday afternoon, where we did some experiential work around our "patterns" (the behaviors we tend fall back on repeatedly to deal with problems or situations...in this context we are talking about our less effective behaviors) and found this to be eye-opening and also a helpful way to get into the appropriate frame of mind for the weekend.

The kids have classes for their electives on Saturday mornings, so we got to see Josh's improv class run through the rehearsal for the show they were going to be doing for the school the following week. It was great fun and the kids clearly enjoyed it.

One of the most moving things is participating in "last light" with your child on Saturday night. They have last light every night and usually it's fairly short. But the weekend we were there conincided with the graduation of a group of kids, and the last light included some music interspersed graduates and their parents taking turns talking about their experience at Monarch, what it has meant for them and what they are grateful for. It's a pretty emotional event for them and even for us newbies.

Our First Parent Visit to Monarch - Disclosures

It's been a while since my last post. I guess I just needed to take a break from the relentlessness of thinking and worrying constantly about Josh. After three months we were finally able to go out to our first parent visit. It was postponed because about a third of the students came down with the flu in early November and were quarantined to try and keep it from spreading. Josh had the flu as well as pneumonia.

One of the objectives of the first visit is for the child to give his "disclosures". This is where the child tells you everything they have done that they are not proud of, and the parent's job is to just listen while they put it all out there. It's cathartic for the child to be able to say these things, some of which the parents may not have heard or know about and some of which may be shocking to them. The child obviously dreads doing this but also feels a huge weight lifted off of them once they have done it, particularly if the parents can listen without judgment. It is the first step toward repairing a parent-child relationship that has gone wrong.

We were also terrified of what we might hear. But in our case, the disclosures were not as shocking as they are for some parents. Since WOW is Josh's drug of choice, we did not have to hear about the drugs, sex and violence that many parents do. We were aware of most of Josh's transgressions, at least in a broad sense, and the worst that we heard was about lying,  unauthorized use of our credit cards and stealing small amounts of cash from our wallets.

Strangely, the very act of doing the disclosure has the effect of drawing parents and child together, as you are able (metaphorically) to set aside that baggage and get one with doing your work in pursuit of a healthier relationship.

Dreaming of Josh

Even though Josh has been away at school for a month now, I still think about him constantly throughout the day. In the middle of whatever I am doing I will stop and wonder what he is doing at that moment. Is he is in class? Having lunch? Or just hanging out with the other kids? I also dream about him. Last night I had one that was a new twist on the old final exam dream (the one where you realize you have an exam for a course that you've never attended and haven't read the book...and furthermore you can't seem to find out where the exam is being held). In the new version of the dream I have gone to Monarch School for parents' weekend. There seems to be construction going on all around the campus so it's hard to make your way from one building to another. Kids and parents are going from one activity to the next but I can't seem to find Josh anywhere. Finally, at the very end of the weekend I do find him, just in time to give him a big hug before I have to leave. I wonder what it means...am I afraid I won't be able to connect with him when I see him again? Will he have changed so much I won't really know him anymore? I wonder if other parents in my situation have similar dreams.

First Letter Home

After a two week wait we get our first letters from Josh. I am relieved that he seems pretty positive and upbeat. He misses home and his computer, but otherwise doesn't complain. In fact, he says school is way better than Wilderness. While this all seems good, the school has cautioned that it may not be as positive as it appears on the surface. They actually want the kids to act out and display their maladaptive behaviors so the staff can see first hand what the issues are and go to work addressing them. Apparently, many kids arriving at school start out very compliant, intent on "doing their time" and staying under the radar until they can come home. What generally happens with these kids is that they can't keep up the good behavior and, at some point, have a big meltdown. The staff would prefer that they get this out of their systems sooner rather than later because, until they do, they can't begin their "work".

Why Some Kids Get Addicted to WoW

When Josh was at Wilderness the therapist did an exercise with the boys to help them better understand the underlying reasons for their various addictions. He explained that there are a few basic emotional needs that all people have. Different psychologists have somewhat different names for these needs, but they are: need for control/autonomy, need for security/safety, need for community/acceptance/sense of belonging, need for competence/achievement and need for affection/warmth/love.

He explained that if people cannot meet one or more of these needs in the usual way, they will often turn to some form of addiction that seems to fill or dull this need. Then he went around the group and asked each boy which need he felt his particular addiction was filling. A couple of the boys said that they had originally started doing drugs as a way to gain acceptance into a "cool" group of kids that did not accept their "straight" selves. Others said their addiction fed their need for control, autonomy or freedom. When it was Josh's turn he thought for a minute and said, "All of them. World of Warcraft meets all of my needs."

When the therapist told me this story, I had a real epiphany. Suddenly I could understand why this game had such a powerful hold over my son. In the virtual world he could be the person he wanted to be but couldn't be in the real world. He was a member of a guild that accepted him, but at the same time his anonymity provided a sense of safety and security. He could create and control his characters and feel a sense of achievement as he completed quests and leveled up. He was admired for his skill and relied upon to help his guild-mates. It became painfully clear that this was not going to be an easy addiction to break.

How to tell if your teen is addicted to WoW

I know lots of kids who play WoW. Many of Josh's friends play WoW, but most of them are not addicted. They play recreationally and they enjoy it. But they do not play it to the exclusion of everything else. They do well in school and they have other interests.

Here are some of the ways I knew that WoW was not just casual entertainment for Josh:
- Over time, he quit doing extracurricular activities like soccer, fencing and basketball.
- He quit playing guitar, saying it was boring to practice and he wasn't any good at it.
- He would spend hours playing WoW and not even realize how much time had gone by.
- He skipped dinner in order to go on raids, saying he didn't want to let his guild down.
- He started staying in to play rather than going out with friends.
- His grades got worse and worse. He forgot to do or hand in homework. He ultimately failed some classes.
- He started falling asleep in class.
- He got neck aches and backaches.
- He was irritable unless he was playing.
- He started neglecting basic personal hygiene and had to be reminded to take a shower or brush his teeth.
- He snuck down to the basement to play at night after we were asleep.
- He used my credit cards without authorization., so he could switch servers or transfer characters to other accounts that we didn't know about.
- He refused accept any restriction of his gaming and used all of his energy fighting with us
about it.

If you are noticing similar patterns in your child, don't wait. Take action. It only gets harder the more entrenched they get.

Parent Support

Although I am still sad about having Josh away at school I am helped tremendously by the special parent web site that the alumni parents set up early on to help ease the feelings of isolation that parents feel when their kids are away at school . It is run by the parent alumni association (not the school), but the school does upload weekly photos of the kids in their various activities. Also, one of the senior staff at the school hosts a bi-weekly conference call about a topic of general interest, and then the call is transcribed and added to the site. There is lots of other great info on the site, but the best thing is the parent message board. This is where parents can ask questions of each other, provide advice and perspective and just support each other on the emotional roller-coaster that comes with having a child in a therapeutic boarding school. The posts are thoughtful and heartfelt and I see that nearly everyone is feeling (or has felt) the same things I am and are worried about the same things. And, in a weird way, being on the site makes me feel closer to Josh.

Sad Mom

It's been a week since I dropped off Josh at Monarch School and I have been in a deep funk ever since. I am not sure why. I didn't feel this way when he was at wilderness. But I have this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach and feel that at any moment I am going to burst into tears. I like everything about the school (except how far away it is). The staff and kids were very welcoming when we arrived there. Everything I hear and read from the leadership as well as other parents and alumni parents about the school's philosophy and approach makes total sense to me. But I still feel incredibly sad all the time. I know the next year or so is going to be a long, bumpy road and I am not sure I am ready for it. I see all the kids from his high school doing all the normal things that high school kids do and I wonder why that can't be Josh. Bill says I am grieving, and I suppose he is right. I hope that once we start hearing from Josh and his peer group leader on a regular basis I will feel more comfortable with the process. But right now I just hurt.

Bear bags, buckets and sumps

In my overnight stay with the boys I get a crash course in low impact camping and learn a whole new vocabulary. After the ceremony I am given a wiggie (sleeping bag), a tarp to sleep under and a bear bag with my divvy (my share of the communal food), a metal cup and spoon, a wad of toilet paper and a zippie (zip lock bag for stowing my used toilet paper).

Josh shows me to our sleeping location, which is on the side of a hill, and then goes to work setting up the tarp in an A-frame shape. The boys and staff sleep under separate tarps at least 30 ft. apart (if lightening strikes they don't want everyone to get hit) and away from the main campsite (so that they are away from where the bear bags full of food are hung out of reach of hungry wildlife).

Elements and its staff are dedicated to the practice of low impact camping, which basically means that they try not to leave any trace of having been there once they leave their campsite. The boys walk away from camp to pee (all the while calling their names so the staff knows where they are) and they use a bucket with a seat to poop in (also calling out their name while they go).
They cook their meals in a "billy", which is a large coffee can, over an open fire, which they "bust" using a bow drill (no matches used here - busting fires is an important survival skill which the boys are required to master). The fire is built on a flat, round fire pan so that afterwards the ashes can be crushed and then sprinkled around to eliminate any trace.

Busting a fire

Josh makes me dinner by first boiling water in a billy on the open campfire he has built. Then he throws in macaroni plus cut up vegetables and cooks it til soft. Then he drains the can and pours in a can of tomato sauces and some chunks of cheese. And voila, we have dinner. It's actually quite tasty.


After dinner the billies are rinsed with water and the dirty water is poured through a can into a sump. The sump is a hole about 10 inches deep over which two sticks are laid. On the sticks is a can with holes punched in the bottom. The can is filled with sage brush and leaves, which acts as a filter when the dirty water is poured through it. Only the gray water comes out of the bottom of the can into the hole. The hole is then filled with dirt and the solids that have been filtered by the leaves are burned in the campfire. This has the double benefit of having no food odors to attract wildlife and also eliminating traces of our presence.

When it's time for bed, we get into our wiggies under the tarp and Nate (one of the Elements staff) comes to take our shoes, which he will return the next morning. I protest, knowing that I will have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, but that's protocol. Kids without shoes have a harder time making a break for it, so no one has their shoes overnight and I am forced to stumble through the sage brush barefooted. Luckily, there's a full moon, so at least I can see where I'm stepping.

Josh and I stay awake til late talking and catching up and he finally goes to sleep. I watch the moon rise and move across the sky and can't seem to get comfortable. I am still wide awake when Nate returns with our shoes.

Wilderness Graduation Ceremony

Elements' base (headquarters) is about 3 hours south of Salt Lake City in Huntington. From there we drive an hour and a half southwest into the Manti-LaSal National Forest, where the boys have been hiking and camping in the high desert for the last 8 weeks. When we get close to camp, the parents (there are two moms picking up their sons and one dad visiting) are blindfolded for a trust walk with our sons. I have not yet seen Josh, but he gives me the end of a stick to hold while he leads me through the sage brush to where the "graduation" ceremony will be. We all walk in silence, but as I stumble along he whispers, "I missed you".

When we reach the site of the ceremony our blindfolds are removed and we are shown a rock path made by the boys to symbolize the past, present and future. This is something the boys have come up with on their own and, as each mom and her son enter the path, another boy describes what it represents: "This is the west gate, which represents the setting of the sun and the end of an old era." In the first section, the boy tells me that this represents the past and gives Josh two stones which symbolize past behaviors that he is working to eliminate. Josh hands me the stones and asks me to name the two behaviors that I would like to see buried in the past. I say, "playing WOW and lying". He takes the stones and puts them in a hole. We both cover the stones with dirt.

As we proceed into the second section, the boy says: "This is the present. The present is the only moment we have and the only moment we can control. It is the only time when we can actually work to achieve our goals."

Then we come to the crossroads and he says: "There are two possible paths to the future. We can continue down our old destructive path, leading into a tree, which represents a dead end. Or we can choose the path that leads to healthy relationships and wise choices. However, there are two rocks blocking this path. They represent obstacles on the journey that will need to be overcome to reach our destination." We take the rocks and move them out of the way.

As we exit the path, the boy tells us: "This is the east gate. It represents the rising of the sun and the beginning of a new era."

And then Josh gives me a long, long hug.

We Take the Next Step

The therapist at Elements has warned Josh that we are looking at boarding schools for him...although he is not happy about it, it does not surprise him because this is what has happened with most of the other boys who have left the program. We get our second phone call with him of the summer and explain our decision. The therapist has advised us against explaining too much or giving too much detail at this point. He wants to give Josh some time to absorb and process the fact that he is going to Monarch. After that he will give Josh a brochure and arrange a call with the admissions director of the school to have his questions answered. As we tell him about Monarch we can hear him crying, but he says he understands our decision and that he is at least glad to know what's next. The uncertainty has been hard on him.

After filling out all the school paperwork and writing a hefty check, I begin to make travel arrangements to pick up Josh at Elements and take him to Monarch. I am going solo, since Bill cannot get off work and Katie has school. The whole trip will take 5 days! I leave today to fly to Salt Lake City, then drive to Price Utah tonight. It's about 20 minutes away from Elements' headquarters, where I am supposed to show up at 9:00 am tomorrow. They will outfit me with camping gear and then take me to the boys' campsite, where I will spend the night and participate in group therapy and other activities. The next day we will return to the office where Josh will be discharged...we'll drive back to Salt Lake City and fly to Spokane that night. Finally, on Thursday we will drive the three hours to Monarch where Josh will be welcomed by his mentor and peer group leader. As it happens, the kids will be on break between terms, so Josh can do his orientation and get acclimated before starting classes in a couple weeks. I will only spend about 45 minutes at school because they are trying to avoid long drawn-out goodbyes, which don't help anyone. So I get to turn around almost immediately and drive back to Spokane for a 6:00 am flight out the next morning. Whew!

As I prepare for the trip, a million things are going through my mind. I am excited to finally see Josh after 9 weeks and I am wondering how he will have changed. I also worry that he will balk about going to school and not sure how I will handle that. It's going to be really hard to leave him off, knowing that I won't get to see him until December when we are allowed our first parent visit. I hope I can stay positive and not cry in front of him.

Weighing the Pros and Cons of Schools

As soon as I am on the plane, I take out a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. While it's still fresh in my mind, I note the pros and cons of each school:

Carlbrook
+ strong academics
+ accessibility
+ weather
+ beautiful campus

- fewer extracurricular activities
- more rigid; more formal feel
- more expensive
- longer program

Monarch
+ good academics plus creative arts focus
+ vocational courses (cooking, equestrian, etc.)
+ structured but very nurturing and supportive
+ casual, comfortable feel
+ somewhat less expensive

- climate
- hard to get there from here


We are leaning towards Monarch, so I call some of the parent references and hear glowing reports about their children's experiences there and the positive longer term impact the school has had on them. We talk to Josh's therapist at Elements and he also feels Monarch would be the best fit.

As we are making our decision, we are confident that either school will do the job, but in the end, we choose Monarch. Even though Carlbrook would probably challenge Josh more academically, we are not as concerned about that right now. Our priorities are: 1) to make sure he has the support he needs to solidify and build on the progress from wilderness; and 2) to give him the best chance of finding other interests to replace his dependence on WoW. Because of the vocational classes and extracurricular activities, Monarch probably provides the best chance of that.