Why Some Kids Get Addicted to WoW

When Josh was at Wilderness the therapist did an exercise with the boys to help them better understand the underlying reasons for their various addictions. He explained that there are a few basic emotional needs that all people have. Different psychologists have somewhat different names for these needs, but they are: need for control/autonomy, need for security/safety, need for community/acceptance/sense of belonging, need for competence/achievement and need for affection/warmth/love.

He explained that if people cannot meet one or more of these needs in the usual way, they will often turn to some form of addiction that seems to fill or dull this need. Then he went around the group and asked each boy which need he felt his particular addiction was filling. A couple of the boys said that they had originally started doing drugs as a way to gain acceptance into a "cool" group of kids that did not accept their "straight" selves. Others said their addiction fed their need for control, autonomy or freedom. When it was Josh's turn he thought for a minute and said, "All of them. World of Warcraft meets all of my needs."

When the therapist told me this story, I had a real epiphany. Suddenly I could understand why this game had such a powerful hold over my son. In the virtual world he could be the person he wanted to be but couldn't be in the real world. He was a member of a guild that accepted him, but at the same time his anonymity provided a sense of safety and security. He could create and control his characters and feel a sense of achievement as he completed quests and leveled up. He was admired for his skill and relied upon to help his guild-mates. It became painfully clear that this was not going to be an easy addiction to break.

How to tell if your teen is addicted to WoW

I know lots of kids who play WoW. Many of Josh's friends play WoW, but most of them are not addicted. They play recreationally and they enjoy it. But they do not play it to the exclusion of everything else. They do well in school and they have other interests.

Here are some of the ways I knew that WoW was not just casual entertainment for Josh:
- Over time, he quit doing extracurricular activities like soccer, fencing and basketball.
- He quit playing guitar, saying it was boring to practice and he wasn't any good at it.
- He would spend hours playing WoW and not even realize how much time had gone by.
- He skipped dinner in order to go on raids, saying he didn't want to let his guild down.
- He started staying in to play rather than going out with friends.
- His grades got worse and worse. He forgot to do or hand in homework. He ultimately failed some classes.
- He started falling asleep in class.
- He got neck aches and backaches.
- He was irritable unless he was playing.
- He started neglecting basic personal hygiene and had to be reminded to take a shower or brush his teeth.
- He snuck down to the basement to play at night after we were asleep.
- He used my credit cards without authorization., so he could switch servers or transfer characters to other accounts that we didn't know about.
- He refused accept any restriction of his gaming and used all of his energy fighting with us
about it.

If you are noticing similar patterns in your child, don't wait. Take action. It only gets harder the more entrenched they get.

Parent Support

Although I am still sad about having Josh away at school I am helped tremendously by the special parent web site that the alumni parents set up early on to help ease the feelings of isolation that parents feel when their kids are away at school . It is run by the parent alumni association (not the school), but the school does upload weekly photos of the kids in their various activities. Also, one of the senior staff at the school hosts a bi-weekly conference call about a topic of general interest, and then the call is transcribed and added to the site. There is lots of other great info on the site, but the best thing is the parent message board. This is where parents can ask questions of each other, provide advice and perspective and just support each other on the emotional roller-coaster that comes with having a child in a therapeutic boarding school. The posts are thoughtful and heartfelt and I see that nearly everyone is feeling (or has felt) the same things I am and are worried about the same things. And, in a weird way, being on the site makes me feel closer to Josh.

Sad Mom

It's been a week since I dropped off Josh at Monarch School and I have been in a deep funk ever since. I am not sure why. I didn't feel this way when he was at wilderness. But I have this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach and feel that at any moment I am going to burst into tears. I like everything about the school (except how far away it is). The staff and kids were very welcoming when we arrived there. Everything I hear and read from the leadership as well as other parents and alumni parents about the school's philosophy and approach makes total sense to me. But I still feel incredibly sad all the time. I know the next year or so is going to be a long, bumpy road and I am not sure I am ready for it. I see all the kids from his high school doing all the normal things that high school kids do and I wonder why that can't be Josh. Bill says I am grieving, and I suppose he is right. I hope that once we start hearing from Josh and his peer group leader on a regular basis I will feel more comfortable with the process. But right now I just hurt.

Bear bags, buckets and sumps

In my overnight stay with the boys I get a crash course in low impact camping and learn a whole new vocabulary. After the ceremony I am given a wiggie (sleeping bag), a tarp to sleep under and a bear bag with my divvy (my share of the communal food), a metal cup and spoon, a wad of toilet paper and a zippie (zip lock bag for stowing my used toilet paper).

Josh shows me to our sleeping location, which is on the side of a hill, and then goes to work setting up the tarp in an A-frame shape. The boys and staff sleep under separate tarps at least 30 ft. apart (if lightening strikes they don't want everyone to get hit) and away from the main campsite (so that they are away from where the bear bags full of food are hung out of reach of hungry wildlife).

Elements and its staff are dedicated to the practice of low impact camping, which basically means that they try not to leave any trace of having been there once they leave their campsite. The boys walk away from camp to pee (all the while calling their names so the staff knows where they are) and they use a bucket with a seat to poop in (also calling out their name while they go).
They cook their meals in a "billy", which is a large coffee can, over an open fire, which they "bust" using a bow drill (no matches used here - busting fires is an important survival skill which the boys are required to master). The fire is built on a flat, round fire pan so that afterwards the ashes can be crushed and then sprinkled around to eliminate any trace.

Busting a fire

Josh makes me dinner by first boiling water in a billy on the open campfire he has built. Then he throws in macaroni plus cut up vegetables and cooks it til soft. Then he drains the can and pours in a can of tomato sauces and some chunks of cheese. And voila, we have dinner. It's actually quite tasty.


After dinner the billies are rinsed with water and the dirty water is poured through a can into a sump. The sump is a hole about 10 inches deep over which two sticks are laid. On the sticks is a can with holes punched in the bottom. The can is filled with sage brush and leaves, which acts as a filter when the dirty water is poured through it. Only the gray water comes out of the bottom of the can into the hole. The hole is then filled with dirt and the solids that have been filtered by the leaves are burned in the campfire. This has the double benefit of having no food odors to attract wildlife and also eliminating traces of our presence.

When it's time for bed, we get into our wiggies under the tarp and Nate (one of the Elements staff) comes to take our shoes, which he will return the next morning. I protest, knowing that I will have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, but that's protocol. Kids without shoes have a harder time making a break for it, so no one has their shoes overnight and I am forced to stumble through the sage brush barefooted. Luckily, there's a full moon, so at least I can see where I'm stepping.

Josh and I stay awake til late talking and catching up and he finally goes to sleep. I watch the moon rise and move across the sky and can't seem to get comfortable. I am still wide awake when Nate returns with our shoes.

Wilderness Graduation Ceremony

Elements' base (headquarters) is about 3 hours south of Salt Lake City in Huntington. From there we drive an hour and a half southwest into the Manti-LaSal National Forest, where the boys have been hiking and camping in the high desert for the last 8 weeks. When we get close to camp, the parents (there are two moms picking up their sons and one dad visiting) are blindfolded for a trust walk with our sons. I have not yet seen Josh, but he gives me the end of a stick to hold while he leads me through the sage brush to where the "graduation" ceremony will be. We all walk in silence, but as I stumble along he whispers, "I missed you".

When we reach the site of the ceremony our blindfolds are removed and we are shown a rock path made by the boys to symbolize the past, present and future. This is something the boys have come up with on their own and, as each mom and her son enter the path, another boy describes what it represents: "This is the west gate, which represents the setting of the sun and the end of an old era." In the first section, the boy tells me that this represents the past and gives Josh two stones which symbolize past behaviors that he is working to eliminate. Josh hands me the stones and asks me to name the two behaviors that I would like to see buried in the past. I say, "playing WOW and lying". He takes the stones and puts them in a hole. We both cover the stones with dirt.

As we proceed into the second section, the boy says: "This is the present. The present is the only moment we have and the only moment we can control. It is the only time when we can actually work to achieve our goals."

Then we come to the crossroads and he says: "There are two possible paths to the future. We can continue down our old destructive path, leading into a tree, which represents a dead end. Or we can choose the path that leads to healthy relationships and wise choices. However, there are two rocks blocking this path. They represent obstacles on the journey that will need to be overcome to reach our destination." We take the rocks and move them out of the way.

As we exit the path, the boy tells us: "This is the east gate. It represents the rising of the sun and the beginning of a new era."

And then Josh gives me a long, long hug.

We Take the Next Step

The therapist at Elements has warned Josh that we are looking at boarding schools for him...although he is not happy about it, it does not surprise him because this is what has happened with most of the other boys who have left the program. We get our second phone call with him of the summer and explain our decision. The therapist has advised us against explaining too much or giving too much detail at this point. He wants to give Josh some time to absorb and process the fact that he is going to Monarch. After that he will give Josh a brochure and arrange a call with the admissions director of the school to have his questions answered. As we tell him about Monarch we can hear him crying, but he says he understands our decision and that he is at least glad to know what's next. The uncertainty has been hard on him.

After filling out all the school paperwork and writing a hefty check, I begin to make travel arrangements to pick up Josh at Elements and take him to Monarch. I am going solo, since Bill cannot get off work and Katie has school. The whole trip will take 5 days! I leave today to fly to Salt Lake City, then drive to Price Utah tonight. It's about 20 minutes away from Elements' headquarters, where I am supposed to show up at 9:00 am tomorrow. They will outfit me with camping gear and then take me to the boys' campsite, where I will spend the night and participate in group therapy and other activities. The next day we will return to the office where Josh will be discharged...we'll drive back to Salt Lake City and fly to Spokane that night. Finally, on Thursday we will drive the three hours to Monarch where Josh will be welcomed by his mentor and peer group leader. As it happens, the kids will be on break between terms, so Josh can do his orientation and get acclimated before starting classes in a couple weeks. I will only spend about 45 minutes at school because they are trying to avoid long drawn-out goodbyes, which don't help anyone. So I get to turn around almost immediately and drive back to Spokane for a 6:00 am flight out the next morning. Whew!

As I prepare for the trip, a million things are going through my mind. I am excited to finally see Josh after 9 weeks and I am wondering how he will have changed. I also worry that he will balk about going to school and not sure how I will handle that. It's going to be really hard to leave him off, knowing that I won't get to see him until December when we are allowed our first parent visit. I hope I can stay positive and not cry in front of him.

Weighing the Pros and Cons of Schools

As soon as I am on the plane, I take out a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. While it's still fresh in my mind, I note the pros and cons of each school:

Carlbrook
+ strong academics
+ accessibility
+ weather
+ beautiful campus

- fewer extracurricular activities
- more rigid; more formal feel
- more expensive
- longer program

Monarch
+ good academics plus creative arts focus
+ vocational courses (cooking, equestrian, etc.)
+ structured but very nurturing and supportive
+ casual, comfortable feel
+ somewhat less expensive

- climate
- hard to get there from here


We are leaning towards Monarch, so I call some of the parent references and hear glowing reports about their children's experiences there and the positive longer term impact the school has had on them. We talk to Josh's therapist at Elements and he also feels Monarch would be the best fit.

As we are making our decision, we are confident that either school will do the job, but in the end, we choose Monarch. Even though Carlbrook would probably challenge Josh more academically, we are not as concerned about that right now. Our priorities are: 1) to make sure he has the support he needs to solidify and build on the progress from wilderness; and 2) to give him the best chance of finding other interests to replace his dependence on WoW. Because of the vocational classes and extracurricular activities, Monarch probably provides the best chance of that.