Short Track Speed Skating

Last night's 500 meter short track speed skating event was very poignant for me.  Not because American skater Apolo Ohno was disqualified. But because exactly 16 years ago, while watching this same event on TV, my water broke and I went into labor with Josh. He was born on February 27, 1994 at 8:30 in the morning.

So, watching the race last night made me sad.  Sad because it feels like just yesterday that Josh was a tiny baby (well, not so tiny- he weighed in at 9 lbs when he was born). Sad because my kids are growing up so fast. Sad that Josh is going to celebrate this big milestone without us. Sad that we are missing the last years that he would've been here with us before going off to college and adulthood. Sad because I feel regret and guilt about all of the mistakes we have made parenting him that led to his being at Monarch.

Bill had to remind me to take the long view...It's more important that Josh be happy and healthy at 20 and 25 and 30 years old than it is to have him here with us right this moment. And, Josh has made tremendous progress in the last 5 months that we should be pleased and proud about. And this should help us see that there's light at the end of the tunnel. He's right and I agree with him. It's just hard.

Third visit: double overnight

This visit Josh got to join us for two nights off campus...nice for him to get a break from school, but the main purpose was for him to practice living "in agreement" (following the rules) and for us to practice holding boundaries. This is important because in a couple months he will be able to come home for a visit and we all need to be ready for that.

Since we're not allowed to stay in Sandpoint (so the staff can have some privacy, since that's where most of them live), we ended up staying in Bonner's Ferry. Katie went snowboarding at Schweizer Mt. both days while we hung out with Josh and talked, listened to music, and went out to eat.  It may not sound too exciting, but it was a good way for us to be together and in the moment.

Josh had just been promoted to Step 2 and was feeling very good about it. He has made incredible progress and seems so much happier and more comfortable with who he is. He still misses WOW and thinks about it on and off, but he is starting to understand the role it was playing for him and the void it was filling.

I can't believe he'll turn 16 in a few weeks and we won't be with him to celebrate it, but I guess I just have to take the long view. He's where he needs to be right now.