Tough Holiday

I am so glad Christmas is over. Without Josh here I just could not get in the mood to decorate or celebrate. of course, I did have to make an effort for Katie and for Bill, but my heart just wasn't in it. I had to keep reminding myself Josh is not gone forever, and that there will be other Christmases to celebrate together as a family. And that we will be able to enjoy them more as a result of the work that Josh, and we, are doing.

I also had to acknowledge that my feelings were not just about sadness and missing Josh, but also about guilt and regret for the things we did or did not do that got us where we are right now. Josh actually sounded good when we talked to him on Christmas day. They had had a big Christmas Eve feast and talent show and then slept in and had brunch before opening their stockings and gifts. While being away from family for the holiday is not easy, they try to make it special at Monarch, with lots of activities and fun things planned to celebrate the holidays. Also, lots of caring staff to nurture and support the kids.

Anyway, now it's over and I can get back to my normal routine where I don't have to be constantly reminded of Josh's absence. Plus, we are going back out to visit him in two weeks, so I have that to look forward to.

Monarch School in Winter

The kids may not want to be there, but the school and its setting ARE beautiful. Here are photos I took during my last visit.

 

 

A Whole Lot of Nothin'

What do you do for a whole weekend when you visit your child at Monarch School? The kids are not allowed off campus for the first couple of visits and the usual go-to forms of entertainment (like watching TV, listening to your ipod or surfing the net) are not an option at Monarch. So what do you do?

You slow WAY down. You actually talk to your child. You play board games. You walk around. You visit the horse barn. You hang out. The whole point is to be present in the moment, not planning for the future or rehashing the past. To have open and meaningful conversations about what you are thinking and feeling. One of the things Josh wanted to hear more about was his Dad's childhood, including some of his formative experiences and how they affected him. So they spent quite awhile talking about that. They also played team chess with another boy and his dad. Chess seems to be a big thing at Monarch. Katie and I spent a lot of time talking to and patting the horses. She was so dying to ride, but the riding instructor snt there on the weekends.

We actually had a parent workshop on Friday afternoon, where we did some experiential work around our "patterns" (the behaviors we tend fall back on repeatedly to deal with problems or situations...in this context we are talking about our less effective behaviors) and found this to be eye-opening and also a helpful way to get into the appropriate frame of mind for the weekend.

The kids have classes for their electives on Saturday mornings, so we got to see Josh's improv class run through the rehearsal for the show they were going to be doing for the school the following week. It was great fun and the kids clearly enjoyed it.

One of the most moving things is participating in "last light" with your child on Saturday night. They have last light every night and usually it's fairly short. But the weekend we were there conincided with the graduation of a group of kids, and the last light included some music interspersed graduates and their parents taking turns talking about their experience at Monarch, what it has meant for them and what they are grateful for. It's a pretty emotional event for them and even for us newbies.

Our First Parent Visit to Monarch - Disclosures

It's been a while since my last post. I guess I just needed to take a break from the relentlessness of thinking and worrying constantly about Josh. After three months we were finally able to go out to our first parent visit. It was postponed because about a third of the students came down with the flu in early November and were quarantined to try and keep it from spreading. Josh had the flu as well as pneumonia.

One of the objectives of the first visit is for the child to give his "disclosures". This is where the child tells you everything they have done that they are not proud of, and the parent's job is to just listen while they put it all out there. It's cathartic for the child to be able to say these things, some of which the parents may not have heard or know about and some of which may be shocking to them. The child obviously dreads doing this but also feels a huge weight lifted off of them once they have done it, particularly if the parents can listen without judgment. It is the first step toward repairing a parent-child relationship that has gone wrong.

We were also terrified of what we might hear. But in our case, the disclosures were not as shocking as they are for some parents. Since WOW is Josh's drug of choice, we did not have to hear about the drugs, sex and violence that many parents do. We were aware of most of Josh's transgressions, at least in a broad sense, and the worst that we heard was about lying,  unauthorized use of our credit cards and stealing small amounts of cash from our wallets.

Strangely, the very act of doing the disclosure has the effect of drawing parents and child together, as you are able (metaphorically) to set aside that baggage and get one with doing your work in pursuit of a healthier relationship.

Dreaming of Josh

Even though Josh has been away at school for a month now, I still think about him constantly throughout the day. In the middle of whatever I am doing I will stop and wonder what he is doing at that moment. Is he is in class? Having lunch? Or just hanging out with the other kids? I also dream about him. Last night I had one that was a new twist on the old final exam dream (the one where you realize you have an exam for a course that you've never attended and haven't read the book...and furthermore you can't seem to find out where the exam is being held). In the new version of the dream I have gone to Monarch School for parents' weekend. There seems to be construction going on all around the campus so it's hard to make your way from one building to another. Kids and parents are going from one activity to the next but I can't seem to find Josh anywhere. Finally, at the very end of the weekend I do find him, just in time to give him a big hug before I have to leave. I wonder what it means...am I afraid I won't be able to connect with him when I see him again? Will he have changed so much I won't really know him anymore? I wonder if other parents in my situation have similar dreams.

First Letter Home

After a two week wait we get our first letters from Josh. I am relieved that he seems pretty positive and upbeat. He misses home and his computer, but otherwise doesn't complain. In fact, he says school is way better than Wilderness. While this all seems good, the school has cautioned that it may not be as positive as it appears on the surface. They actually want the kids to act out and display their maladaptive behaviors so the staff can see first hand what the issues are and go to work addressing them. Apparently, many kids arriving at school start out very compliant, intent on "doing their time" and staying under the radar until they can come home. What generally happens with these kids is that they can't keep up the good behavior and, at some point, have a big meltdown. The staff would prefer that they get this out of their systems sooner rather than later because, until they do, they can't begin their "work".

Why Some Kids Get Addicted to WoW

When Josh was at Wilderness the therapist did an exercise with the boys to help them better understand the underlying reasons for their various addictions. He explained that there are a few basic emotional needs that all people have. Different psychologists have somewhat different names for these needs, but they are: need for control/autonomy, need for security/safety, need for community/acceptance/sense of belonging, need for competence/achievement and need for affection/warmth/love.

He explained that if people cannot meet one or more of these needs in the usual way, they will often turn to some form of addiction that seems to fill or dull this need. Then he went around the group and asked each boy which need he felt his particular addiction was filling. A couple of the boys said that they had originally started doing drugs as a way to gain acceptance into a "cool" group of kids that did not accept their "straight" selves. Others said their addiction fed their need for control, autonomy or freedom. When it was Josh's turn he thought for a minute and said, "All of them. World of Warcraft meets all of my needs."

When the therapist told me this story, I had a real epiphany. Suddenly I could understand why this game had such a powerful hold over my son. In the virtual world he could be the person he wanted to be but couldn't be in the real world. He was a member of a guild that accepted him, but at the same time his anonymity provided a sense of safety and security. He could create and control his characters and feel a sense of achievement as he completed quests and leveled up. He was admired for his skill and relied upon to help his guild-mates. It became painfully clear that this was not going to be an easy addiction to break.

How to tell if your teen is addicted to WoW

I know lots of kids who play WoW. Many of Josh's friends play WoW, but most of them are not addicted. They play recreationally and they enjoy it. But they do not play it to the exclusion of everything else. They do well in school and they have other interests.

Here are some of the ways I knew that WoW was not just casual entertainment for Josh:
- Over time, he quit doing extracurricular activities like soccer, fencing and basketball.
- He quit playing guitar, saying it was boring to practice and he wasn't any good at it.
- He would spend hours playing WoW and not even realize how much time had gone by.
- He skipped dinner in order to go on raids, saying he didn't want to let his guild down.
- He started staying in to play rather than going out with friends.
- His grades got worse and worse. He forgot to do or hand in homework. He ultimately failed some classes.
- He started falling asleep in class.
- He got neck aches and backaches.
- He was irritable unless he was playing.
- He started neglecting basic personal hygiene and had to be reminded to take a shower or brush his teeth.
- He snuck down to the basement to play at night after we were asleep.
- He used my credit cards without authorization., so he could switch servers or transfer characters to other accounts that we didn't know about.
- He refused accept any restriction of his gaming and used all of his energy fighting with us
about it.

If you are noticing similar patterns in your child, don't wait. Take action. It only gets harder the more entrenched they get.

Parent Support

Although I am still sad about having Josh away at school I am helped tremendously by the special parent web site that the alumni parents set up early on to help ease the feelings of isolation that parents feel when their kids are away at school . It is run by the parent alumni association (not the school), but the school does upload weekly photos of the kids in their various activities. Also, one of the senior staff at the school hosts a bi-weekly conference call about a topic of general interest, and then the call is transcribed and added to the site. There is lots of other great info on the site, but the best thing is the parent message board. This is where parents can ask questions of each other, provide advice and perspective and just support each other on the emotional roller-coaster that comes with having a child in a therapeutic boarding school. The posts are thoughtful and heartfelt and I see that nearly everyone is feeling (or has felt) the same things I am and are worried about the same things. And, in a weird way, being on the site makes me feel closer to Josh.

Sad Mom

It's been a week since I dropped off Josh at Monarch School and I have been in a deep funk ever since. I am not sure why. I didn't feel this way when he was at wilderness. But I have this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach and feel that at any moment I am going to burst into tears. I like everything about the school (except how far away it is). The staff and kids were very welcoming when we arrived there. Everything I hear and read from the leadership as well as other parents and alumni parents about the school's philosophy and approach makes total sense to me. But I still feel incredibly sad all the time. I know the next year or so is going to be a long, bumpy road and I am not sure I am ready for it. I see all the kids from his high school doing all the normal things that high school kids do and I wonder why that can't be Josh. Bill says I am grieving, and I suppose he is right. I hope that once we start hearing from Josh and his peer group leader on a regular basis I will feel more comfortable with the process. But right now I just hurt.

Bear bags, buckets and sumps

In my overnight stay with the boys I get a crash course in low impact camping and learn a whole new vocabulary. After the ceremony I am given a wiggie (sleeping bag), a tarp to sleep under and a bear bag with my divvy (my share of the communal food), a metal cup and spoon, a wad of toilet paper and a zippie (zip lock bag for stowing my used toilet paper).

Josh shows me to our sleeping location, which is on the side of a hill, and then goes to work setting up the tarp in an A-frame shape. The boys and staff sleep under separate tarps at least 30 ft. apart (if lightening strikes they don't want everyone to get hit) and away from the main campsite (so that they are away from where the bear bags full of food are hung out of reach of hungry wildlife).

Elements and its staff are dedicated to the practice of low impact camping, which basically means that they try not to leave any trace of having been there once they leave their campsite. The boys walk away from camp to pee (all the while calling their names so the staff knows where they are) and they use a bucket with a seat to poop in (also calling out their name while they go).
They cook their meals in a "billy", which is a large coffee can, over an open fire, which they "bust" using a bow drill (no matches used here - busting fires is an important survival skill which the boys are required to master). The fire is built on a flat, round fire pan so that afterwards the ashes can be crushed and then sprinkled around to eliminate any trace.

Busting a fire

Josh makes me dinner by first boiling water in a billy on the open campfire he has built. Then he throws in macaroni plus cut up vegetables and cooks it til soft. Then he drains the can and pours in a can of tomato sauces and some chunks of cheese. And voila, we have dinner. It's actually quite tasty.


After dinner the billies are rinsed with water and the dirty water is poured through a can into a sump. The sump is a hole about 10 inches deep over which two sticks are laid. On the sticks is a can with holes punched in the bottom. The can is filled with sage brush and leaves, which acts as a filter when the dirty water is poured through it. Only the gray water comes out of the bottom of the can into the hole. The hole is then filled with dirt and the solids that have been filtered by the leaves are burned in the campfire. This has the double benefit of having no food odors to attract wildlife and also eliminating traces of our presence.

When it's time for bed, we get into our wiggies under the tarp and Nate (one of the Elements staff) comes to take our shoes, which he will return the next morning. I protest, knowing that I will have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, but that's protocol. Kids without shoes have a harder time making a break for it, so no one has their shoes overnight and I am forced to stumble through the sage brush barefooted. Luckily, there's a full moon, so at least I can see where I'm stepping.

Josh and I stay awake til late talking and catching up and he finally goes to sleep. I watch the moon rise and move across the sky and can't seem to get comfortable. I am still wide awake when Nate returns with our shoes.

Wilderness Graduation Ceremony

Elements' base (headquarters) is about 3 hours south of Salt Lake City in Huntington. From there we drive an hour and a half southwest into the Manti-LaSal National Forest, where the boys have been hiking and camping in the high desert for the last 8 weeks. When we get close to camp, the parents (there are two moms picking up their sons and one dad visiting) are blindfolded for a trust walk with our sons. I have not yet seen Josh, but he gives me the end of a stick to hold while he leads me through the sage brush to where the "graduation" ceremony will be. We all walk in silence, but as I stumble along he whispers, "I missed you".

When we reach the site of the ceremony our blindfolds are removed and we are shown a rock path made by the boys to symbolize the past, present and future. This is something the boys have come up with on their own and, as each mom and her son enter the path, another boy describes what it represents: "This is the west gate, which represents the setting of the sun and the end of an old era." In the first section, the boy tells me that this represents the past and gives Josh two stones which symbolize past behaviors that he is working to eliminate. Josh hands me the stones and asks me to name the two behaviors that I would like to see buried in the past. I say, "playing WOW and lying". He takes the stones and puts them in a hole. We both cover the stones with dirt.

As we proceed into the second section, the boy says: "This is the present. The present is the only moment we have and the only moment we can control. It is the only time when we can actually work to achieve our goals."

Then we come to the crossroads and he says: "There are two possible paths to the future. We can continue down our old destructive path, leading into a tree, which represents a dead end. Or we can choose the path that leads to healthy relationships and wise choices. However, there are two rocks blocking this path. They represent obstacles on the journey that will need to be overcome to reach our destination." We take the rocks and move them out of the way.

As we exit the path, the boy tells us: "This is the east gate. It represents the rising of the sun and the beginning of a new era."

And then Josh gives me a long, long hug.

We Take the Next Step

The therapist at Elements has warned Josh that we are looking at boarding schools for him...although he is not happy about it, it does not surprise him because this is what has happened with most of the other boys who have left the program. We get our second phone call with him of the summer and explain our decision. The therapist has advised us against explaining too much or giving too much detail at this point. He wants to give Josh some time to absorb and process the fact that he is going to Monarch. After that he will give Josh a brochure and arrange a call with the admissions director of the school to have his questions answered. As we tell him about Monarch we can hear him crying, but he says he understands our decision and that he is at least glad to know what's next. The uncertainty has been hard on him.

After filling out all the school paperwork and writing a hefty check, I begin to make travel arrangements to pick up Josh at Elements and take him to Monarch. I am going solo, since Bill cannot get off work and Katie has school. The whole trip will take 5 days! I leave today to fly to Salt Lake City, then drive to Price Utah tonight. It's about 20 minutes away from Elements' headquarters, where I am supposed to show up at 9:00 am tomorrow. They will outfit me with camping gear and then take me to the boys' campsite, where I will spend the night and participate in group therapy and other activities. The next day we will return to the office where Josh will be discharged...we'll drive back to Salt Lake City and fly to Spokane that night. Finally, on Thursday we will drive the three hours to Monarch where Josh will be welcomed by his mentor and peer group leader. As it happens, the kids will be on break between terms, so Josh can do his orientation and get acclimated before starting classes in a couple weeks. I will only spend about 45 minutes at school because they are trying to avoid long drawn-out goodbyes, which don't help anyone. So I get to turn around almost immediately and drive back to Spokane for a 6:00 am flight out the next morning. Whew!

As I prepare for the trip, a million things are going through my mind. I am excited to finally see Josh after 9 weeks and I am wondering how he will have changed. I also worry that he will balk about going to school and not sure how I will handle that. It's going to be really hard to leave him off, knowing that I won't get to see him until December when we are allowed our first parent visit. I hope I can stay positive and not cry in front of him.

Weighing the Pros and Cons of Schools

As soon as I am on the plane, I take out a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. While it's still fresh in my mind, I note the pros and cons of each school:

Carlbrook
+ strong academics
+ accessibility
+ weather
+ beautiful campus

- fewer extracurricular activities
- more rigid; more formal feel
- more expensive
- longer program

Monarch
+ good academics plus creative arts focus
+ vocational courses (cooking, equestrian, etc.)
+ structured but very nurturing and supportive
+ casual, comfortable feel
+ somewhat less expensive

- climate
- hard to get there from here


We are leaning towards Monarch, so I call some of the parent references and hear glowing reports about their children's experiences there and the positive longer term impact the school has had on them. We talk to Josh's therapist at Elements and he also feels Monarch would be the best fit.

As we are making our decision, we are confident that either school will do the job, but in the end, we choose Monarch. Even though Carlbrook would probably challenge Josh more academically, we are not as concerned about that right now. Our priorities are: 1) to make sure he has the support he needs to solidify and build on the progress from wilderness; and 2) to give him the best chance of finding other interests to replace his dependence on WoW. Because of the vocational classes and extracurricular activities, Monarch probably provides the best chance of that.

Carlbrook School

I had wanted to visit Carlbrook School on the same trip as my visit to Monarch, but I was told I couldn't come until I had sent in the (25 page!) application and had it approved...seemed a little inflexible, but I duly followed their instructions and made plans to visit the following week. I flew into Raleigh and had dinner with some friends I hadn't seen in 4 years; then got up bright and early and headed north to Virginia. I had been told not to be late as the admissions people had other commitments that day so, when I ran into heavy traffic on I-40, I started to stress out. I had been told that it was a two hour drive from Raleigh and it ended up taking almost two and a half hours, so I was prepared to be chastised for my tardiness. Luckily they were very understanding.


The campus is beautiful...very much a traditional prep school even though it is only seven years old. The founders had bought the main house and 100 acres of an old tobacco plantation and had then added new buildings in the same style. Unlike Monarch this school has a very formal feel.

I meet with the admissions director, the academic dean and the clinical director, all of whom have impressive credentials; then get a tour of the campus with the admissions director. It turns out that the dorms and classrooms are housed in semi-permanent trailers, as the school only has the budget to build one building per year. They are tucked back in the trees so they don't ruin the view of the main campus. The dorms are locked during the day so kids can't sneak back in for a nap. I am shown the "suspension room" where students are sent for a time-out for misbehavior or breaking rules. The point is for them to do some serious introspection and to re-think their behavior. I ask if they have to spend a whole day there and am told that sometimes kids will be there for as long as six weeks, eating all their meals there, etc. There may be multiple kids in there at a time but they are not allowed to talk to each other. Whether or not they are allowed to study depends on their infraction.


At lunch I get to sit with some of the students: 4 boys who have been at school for varying lengths of time for various reasons. Like the kids at Monarch they are both polite and friendly and very open with me about why they are here and what they have learned about themselves. They are incredibly self-aware, much more so than most of the adults I know. As we're chatting away, one of the boys mentions that, although he had been at school for several months, he had just returned from 4 weeks in "the woods" (wilderness program), where he had been sent for a "tune-up" after trying to leave campus. I make a mental note to ask the staff more about that.

After lunch I meet with the executive director, who is also one of the founders. He is an alum of a therapeutic boarding school in California where he was sent as a very troubled teenager. You would never know that by talking to him. He now has two master's degrees and is both charming and accomplished. He explains the history of the school and the philosophy. He started the school because he didn't feel that other therapeutic boarding schools were good enough academically. This school places strong emphasis on the academics and has very high standards for achievement. Many of the students go on to attend very prestigious colleges after Carlbrook.

When I ask him about consequences for misbehavior, he tells me that there are certain offenses for which kids will be sent back to wilderness for 4 weeks and then have their graduation date postponed by six months. Those offenses are: leaving campus without authorization (even if they storm out of a therapy session and walk off the grounds for 5 minutes and then come back), engaging in a sexual act or refusing to go to school. The one offense that will get a student expelled is an act of violence toward another person.This is explained to the students and all are clear on the rules and the consequences for breaking them.

I leave the school later than I had planned and barely make it back to the airport to make my flight.

Monarch School

I make plans to go visit the short list of schools. Monarch is first...and when I make my list of pros and cons, accessibility is definitely not one of the pros for this school. I fly to Spokane via Seattle, rent a car and drive east through Idaho and on to Heron, Montana. It's three hours east of Spokane and 50 miles or so south of the Canadian border. I guess that long, cold winters will be another con for this school.


The main campus has some dorms and classroom buildings clustered around the main common area/dining hall. All of the buildings are made of rough hewn logs so it feels more like a summer camp than a school. The barn with the horses, goats ad chickens is a little farther off near the student garden.

After speaking to the admission director I leave for a tour of campus with two students- they are very open and answer all my questions candidly. I get behind schedule because I spend too long patting and talking to each of the horses. Horses are definitely a selling point for me.

The high point of my day is lunch with the students. The food is fabulous and I learn that they have a 5 star chef who gave up the rat race to come teach culinary arts at the school. All the meals are prepared by the kids, who rotate through the culinary arts program. The kids I speak to tell me their stories: why they are there, what they have learned and what they aspire to do after they leave. They seem so mature and well-adjusted. As I watch the interactions of the students with each other and with the staff, I can see how incredibly nurturing and supportive this environment is. It is very structured but at the same time feels very casual and comfortable.

One of the things that appeals to me about this school is the variety of courses and activities it offers...in addition to the typical high school curriculum they offer things like forest management, equestrian studies, culinary arts, gardening, construction, creative arts, etc. I feel that this could be key for Josh.He needs to replace his passion for World of Warcraft with other passions and interests, so that he doesn't fall off the wagon, and this school offers enough variety that he is sure to find something that appeals to him.

Despite the inaccessibility and the long winter, this school has some real pluses. I am anxius to see how the other school stacks up.

We Face the Next Step After Wilderness

Wilderness therapy is an effective intervention for teens who are at risk. It removes them from toxic influences and breaks the destructive cycle they are in. We are told by our educational consultant and the folks at Elements that it is not usually a stand-alone treatment. A few weeks is not long enough for a kid to make long term changes, and they will go right back to their old self-destructive patterns once they get back to their old environment. In order to sustain and build on the progress made at wilderness therapy, it is usually recommended that kids go on to some sort of therapeutic boarding school. I have been in denial about this. I had held out hope that Josh would be "fixed" and come home for the start of sophomore year. But now it is very clear that is not where we're headed.

Our educational consultant talks to us about boarding schools and recommends three that she believes would be a good fit for Josh. These are not ordinary boarding schools...there is a high staff to student ratio and therapy is an integral part of the program. We discuss the schools with Josh's therapist, who helps us narrow the list to two schools, based on Josh's issues and what he needs to work on. The two schools we agree to explore further are Carlbrook, in Virginia, and Monarch, in Montana. Both of these schools are relatively new (7 years) and both were founded by alums of therapeutic boarding schools who had had a positive experience and yet felt that they could improve upon what existing schools were offering. While on paper many aspects of these two schools are similar, they feel very different. Carlbrook is more like a traditional prep school and has a high level of academic rigor. Our consultant has recommended it because Josh is extrememly bright and she feels he would be challenged here. Monarch is more rustic and outdoorsy feeling, places more emphasis on creating a nurturing environment and has a greater variety of activities to participate in. I am drawn to it because of this. I feel that it's critical for Josh to find new interests and passions to replace his interest in World of Warcraft. Otherwise, I fear he will go right back to it.

Wilderness Therapy Progress

Josh has spent the last few weeks hiking, building fires (without matches), cooking meals, learning survival skills and engaging in therapy. The therapy takes several forms: there are reading and writing assignments, where the boys explore their feelings and motivations; there are structured group therapy sessions and individual therapy sessions; and on an ongoing basis the boys give each other feedback about their behavior. We have weekly conference calls with Josh's therapist where we discuss his progress. Josh is making "slow, incremental progress", according to his therapist...two steps forward, one step back. He has the insights about his issues, but struggles with putting those insights into practice. He seems to acknowledge that WoW is an addiction for him and genuinely regrets his behavior over the last several months, but he misses the game and is not willing to give it up altogether.

The Intervention Letter

The first communication we are to have with Josh at Elements is an intervention letter, in which we (each parent writes a separate letter) explain to Josh: why we have enrolled him at the program, how his behavior has affected both us and him, what goals we have for him at the program and what we would like him to accomplish. We are also reminded to highlight his strengths and positives, acknowledge the difficulty and challenges he will face and express our confidence in his ability to adapt and make the most of the experience.

This is a really difficult letter to write. Bill and I each spend several hours trying to articulate our feelings about all of this in a balanced way that also conveys the emotional toll that Josh's behavior has had on the whole family. The letter is meant not only to tell Josh how we feel but also to give the staff enough background and specific examples to tailor the therapy for him. Josh will keep and re-read this letter many times as he goes through the program, so we feel tremendous pressure to "get it right". I had hoped that writing it would be cathartic for me, but instead it has dredged up all the frustrations, worry and angst of the past several months and I feel depressed. I wonder how we could have messed up so badly as parents.

Wilderness Acclimation

Now that Josh is on his way to Utah I feel a huge sense of relief and can actually get some sleep. Brian and Randy text me continually throughout the day. "We are at the airport and Josh is fine. He had a big breakfast", "We are on the plane", "We have landed in Denver. Josh is in good spirits and is eating again", etc. Finally when they reach Elements they call me to tell me he has been delivered, safe and sound. So far, so good.

Josh is taken for a physical and then outfitted with all his gear and taken to where his group is camped. He is with a group of ten boys who have a variety of issues, from substance abuse to oppositional defiant behavior to depression. By design, they have been in the program varying lengths of time. Enrollment is rolling with boys arriving and leaving each week or so. That way the boys with some time under their belts can help the new boys get acclimated, offer support and reassure them about what to expect. It gives the more tenured boys an opportunity to practice the new leadership,team-building and interpersonal skills that they have been learning.

The first phase of the program, which lasts for a couple of days, is called Acclimation. The student is assigned both a peer mentor and a staff mentor. They learn the routines of living with a group in the wilderness and begin to share in the chores. They read "The Knight in Rusty Armor", which is about a knight who discovers that he must shed his social and emotional armor to expose his authentic self, and they explore the parallels between the knight and themselves. They are given a major assignment, which is to write a detailed and comprehensive personal history.

We Make the Gut-Wrenching Decision

Although we have now settled on a program, Bill and I vacillate about "pulling the trigger". We lie in bed late into the night discussing our options. What if we don't send Josh to wilderness? Maybe he'll play WoW so much that he'll get sick of it or maybe he'll grow out of it. Not likely, but even if he does, we know that there are underlying reasons for his addiction that won't be addressed, and he could ultimately trade one addiction for another. We list out all the things that may be causing the addiction and ask ourselves if any of them will resolve itself over time without some sort of serious intervention. Very unlikely, we conclude.

We decide that, as much as this decision pains us, it is really the only responsible decision we can make. Our counselor has told us that we can turn on a dime and get Josh enrolled within a couple of days. We call Elements and are told that it will be another week before they have a spot open. We aren't prepared for this...once we have made the decision we want to act quickly before we get cold feet. They tell us they will get back to us if they can move it up. So now we start to get used to the idea of having Josh with us for another week. When they call us Thursday and say he can come on Monday, we are suddenly freaked out. We thought we had a bit of a reprieve. I briefly consider taking Josh out there myself. It will be dreadful even if I can actually get him to agree to go, but at least it seems like a more honest and above-board way to handle my son. Then Bill aks me what I will do if Josh pulls something cute at the airport like saying, "I've got a gun/bomb" . I quickly reconsider and call the Bill Lane & Associates to make the arrangements for the transport to Utah.

Bill Lane gets the flights and other arrangements set up quickly, we sign all the paperwork and authorizations, and he tells us that Josh will be on a 6:00 am flight Monday morning...that means that the two escorts will show up at our house at 3:45 am to collect him! A million things go through my mind: what and when should we tell Josh what's coming? What do we do with our 8 year old daughter when all of this is going down? What about our three very loud, barking dogs? What if Josh starts yelling and screaming and making a scene at 3:45 in the morning and the neighbors call the cops on us? I worry and stew and can't sleep or eat for days.

We meet with Brian and Randy (the escorts) at Panera on Sunday evening. They have flown in from Boise where they work as police officers when they aren't transporting teens. They calmly explain how everything will work. They are very personable and seem competent and professional. But Bill and I feel guilty about what we are doing and whether Josh will ever forgive us. We want to sit him down that night and explain what we are doing and why, but Brian and Randy counsel against it. They reassure us that they have done this many times and that it goes most smoothly if the child does not know ahead of time. At best, he will obsess and brood about it, which does him no good. At worst he will plot his escape and the whole thing will unravel. I feel horrible about "tricking" Josh, but they convince us that he will be fine and will not hold it against us when all is said and done.

We go home and try to act normal. We have sent our daughter to a friend's house for the night so she won't come out of her room to see her brother being dragged out of the house by two strange men. Josh comes home from the Dungeon around 9:30 and is in a good mood since he has had a good long fix of gaming. We have a nice conversation and I think, "Have we made a mistake? Do we really need to do this?"

I set the alarm for 3:30 am and we lie there staring at the ceiling while Josh sleeps in his room, oblivious to what is about to happen. When the alarm goes off we get up and put the dogs in the garage with some bones. We turn on the outside lights so that Brian and Randy can find the house in the dark. I have a backpack ready by the front door with a sweatshirt, Josh's ipod and his book. When the guys arrive we go upstairs and into Josh's room. I am so anxious I feel like I am going to throw up. But I nudge Josh and tell him to wake up. We tell him that he's got to get up because Brian and Randy are here to take him to camp. I am expecting him to go postal but he is groggy and just says, "Huh?...Where am I going? How long is it for?" We tell him we love him and will talk to him soon and then the guys motion to us to leave. We are supposed to leave the house so that Josh can't try pleading or bargaining. So we drive around for a while and when we come back they are gone.

We Choose a Wilderness Therapy Program

It was a tough choice, but ultimately we chose Elements for our son. We liked it because it is smaller and also a bit less expensive that the others. The founders and most of the staff came from Second Nature and the program is similar. Our counselor assured us it was top-notch and the quality of treatment was not at all compromised by the lower cost.

Since the chances of Josh going willingly to wilderness was slim to none, our counselor and the folks at Elements recommended that we use a transport service (I kept calling it an escort service and Bill kept reminding me that that is something quite different :)

A transport service will pick up your child and accompany them all the way to the wilderness program. They take care of everything, including rental car, plane tickets, food etc. You don't even need to pack a bag because the child just goes with the clothes on his back and the program supplies everything they need at the other end. The one that was recommended to us, and I will recommend it to you is Bill Lane & Associates. They are super professional, responsive and well-trained in how to handle situations where the teen may be uncooperative or hostile.

We Explore Wilderness Therapy

As soon as we get home from the counselor's office I start investigating the four wilderness therapy programs she has recommended. All have good reputations and I was impressed by the people I later spoke to at each one, so here are the names:

• Second Nature (Utah): www.snwp.com
  
• Elements (Utah): www.elementswilderness.com
  
• Soltreks (Minnesota): www.soltreks.com
  
• SUWS (Idaho): www.suws.com
  

More about these specific programs later, but first, some things I learned about wilderness therapy and why it works.

First off, a wilderness therapy program is an entirely different animal than a wilderness boot camp (what I originally looked into and, thankfully, got scared off from). Boot camps are informed by the military model and their objective is to gain control, compliance and obedience from wayward teens. It also relies heavily on negative reinforcement to achieve these objectives; everything from loss of privileges to deprivation to isolation to corporal punishment. It can work in the short term (who wouldn't comply when faced with harsh punishment?) but often results in long term psychological problems. Several of these programs have been shut down and some have moved their operations off of US soil to avoid regulation and investigation.

Wilderness therapy, in contrast, is driven by a philosophy of experiential education and positive self-discovery. These programs are run by highly trained clinical staff who use the challenges of the wilderness environment as a kind of metaphor for life's challenges. Getting kids away from the environment where they had developed maladaptive behaviors and getting back to basics fosters increased self-esteem, confidence and responsibility. The kids spend time not only hiking, building shelters and learning to make fire, but they also do a lot of group and individual therapy and explore their feelings through written assignments. While most kids are initially reluctant to go to this type of program, most report after the fact that it was a positive and formative experience.

I could go on and on but here is a web site worth reading to learn more:

http://www.wildernesstherapy.org/Wilderness/WildernessVsBoot.htm

We Seek Actionable Advice on How to Handle WoW Addiction

Bill and I realize that just having Josh go to therapy once a week is not going to get us anywhere. The therapist recommends doing family therapy as well. He says that even if Josh won't go, it would do us good to have someone to talk to. I don't have a problem with that but it doesn't seem to be the answer either. Finally I tell the therapist that what we really want is specific, actionable advice on how to handle Josh and his gaming problem. We have tried everything we can think of and nothing works. We don't know how to help our son. I have looked online and come across some bootcamp programs where desperate parents send their out of control teens, and thought, "maybe this is the answer". But then I found a web site by a mom who warns that these programs are often scams and do much more harm than good. She is speaking from personal experience because she sent her daughter to one. This has really freaked me out. Would I have fallen for one of these scams if I had not come across her site?

The therapist gives me the name of an educational consultant. I did not know there was such a thing and I don't know what exactly they do, but I make an appointment and Bill and I go see her. We describe our problem and she tells us about wilderness therapy and how that has been effective with kids who have addictions and other behavioral or emotional issues. Unlike the "bootcamp" programs, wilderness therapy is not based on deprivation but rather intensive therapy, self awareness etc. Also, this consultant has no affiliation with any of the programs she recommends and gets no kick back (unlike some of the consultants who recommend bootcamps). She also recommends only programs she has personally vetted. She gives us the names of 4 programs she thinks could help Josh. They are several weeks in length (open-ended based on how fast and well the child progresses) and very expensive. Also, many times it is recommended that the child go on to a therapeutic boarding school afterwards to sustain and build on the progress made at the wilderness program. Needless to say, these schools are also very expensive.

Bill and I leave the counselor's office with a lot to think about.

A Summer without World of Warcraft

Now we have to figure out how Josh is going to make up the three courses he has failed. I contact the school and learn that he can take English this summer but that's it. He'll have to make up the other classes during the year or next summer. I sign him up. The class is two hours every morning. He comes home the first day and says, "Mom, why did you sign me up for that class? It's a bunch of idiots." I say, "What did you expect? The brain trust of your school doesn't have to take summer school English. They passed it the first time." "Oh,"he says as the light bulb goes on.

Josh does diligently attend his summer school class, which is a joke as far as I can tell. It takes them two weeks to read "Farenheit 451", a book of about 150 pages. They have discussion and do little exercises in class and have no homework.

Josh continues to lobby relentlessly to get access to the game. We tell him he needs to demonstrate that he is not dependent on it. We give him a list of chores, activities and therapy he needs to do to earn back some game time. He tells us we should give him access now and he will do those things. We tell him he has to show us first. That sends him over the edge. He rants and raves but we stand firm. We take him to a new therapist because he thinks he can relate better to a guy than a woman. Fine with us, as long as he goes.

Of course, now he takes the bus down to the mall where there is a gaming place called "The Dungeon"...or he goes over to friends' houses to play. His friend Jon goes away to camp and lends him his laptop, which he hides in his room under the bed. We discover it a few days later. I try to talk to him about why the game has such a powerful hold over him and he says, "I only feel happy when I am playing the WoW." Oh, God.

Three Fs in School, Thanks to WoW

It's been a long and difficult spring. After Josh's weeklong hospitalization, plus week of outpatient treatment, he comes back to school and gets support from a program they have there for kids transitioning back from an illness or other extended absence. Mainly he sleeps through class and study hall, either because he is depressed or because he has snuck downstairs to play World of Warcraft in the middle of the night (or both). Sometimes I catch him playing in the wee hours and we get into a yelling match, so neither of us is able to fall asleep.

Bill and I get notes and calls from Josh's adviser letting us know that Josh is not turning in important assignments and risks failing if he does not get it together. He has already dropped French in order to catch up on his other core subjects and they have demoted him from level 4 English/world history to level 3. I beg, plead, cajole and threaten him to try and get him to apply himself to his studies. He says, "Don' t worry, Mom. I won't fail."

Josh is easily able to hack around the software we have put on on the computer to restrict the time he plays. We then put some restrictions on at the game level. But somehow Josh is able to open other accounts with someone else's credit card. The only reason we haven't take the computer away entirely is because he does need it for school. We try and limit his use to schoolwork but somehow he finds a way to play WoW. But finally when all else fails, Bill packs up the computer and related equipment and locks them in the trunk of his car. Josh is now if full "I hate you" mode and threatens to call DCFS to report us as unfit parents. He says he wants to go live in a foster home. I say, "Go ahead". What a wake-up call that would be!

As the school year comes to a close we learn that Josh has, in fact, failed three of his second semester classes. We cannot fathom how our extremely bright son has managed to do this. His teachers have given him second and third chances to turn in his work, but he doesn't, and they have no choice but to give him an F. Bill and I are at the end of our rope. We do not know where to turn.

Hospitalization

We went to the emergency room as instructed. There Josh was evaluated by a doctor and a social worker. They conferred with his therapist and the school social worker and concluded that he should be hospitalized for further evaluation. The hospital had a child and adolescent psych ward and he was taken up there. Both he and I thought that this would be for a night, but then we were told that it would probably be for a week. I checked him in and we were given pages of rules and things that were not allowed. "This is a prison!" he said. "I don't belong here." Indeed, everything was restricted, from what they wore to what they did and when they did it. He couldn't even have a book to read until it had been cleared with the staff. When it was time for me to go, he yelled "I hate you!"
I felt horrible. What had I done?

Visiting hours were for one hour a day. When I came back to see him, all he could talk about was how everything was just fine until we took his game away. This was all our fault. I encouraged him to use the time in the hospital to work on his issues and feel better. Needless to say, this fell on deaf ears.

The next day his father came and Josh refused to talk to him.

When I came the next time he didn't talk about the game but only about ow far behind he was falling in school and how stressed that was making him. Maybe he's turning the corner, I thought. At least he seems to care about school.

But today when we had a family meeting with the social worker, it was clear that Josh had really made no progress. He started out ok when we were discussing that he might be able to come home soon, but when we explained that there would be no WoW for awhile until he was back on track, he became tearful and kept saying there was nothing else he enjoyed. Why had we done this to him?

Bill and I left feeling very depressed.

Here's what we tried to restrict World of Warcraft

Bill purchased some software called KidsWatch, which enables you to place controls on computer time. It also allows the administrator to monitor all computer activity. We decided to give Josh a total weekly allotment of time of 16 hours, so that he could do his raids and not get cut off in the middle. He negotiated us up to 18 hours per week with the understanding that he would do his homework and chores first.

All seemed to be going well until we realized that he was actually playing more than 18 hours. In fact it seemed like every waking hour on the weekends was spent playing. We discovered that he had found a way to hack around the controls for unlimited gaming time. He was even sneaking down to play after he had supposedly gone to bed for the night. He was falling asleep in class but told his teachers that he suffered from insomnia. His grades began to slip.

So we decided to try something else. Bill demanded that Josh give him his WoW password and he put the limits on at the game level. This time it had to be a daily limit because WoW doesn't have flexibility to do it any other way. Josh went berserk. He yelled and screamed and swore and cried and called us every name in the book. He finally had to agree with our rules or else we would just close his account. We told him that if he didn't comply with the 18 hour per week rule we would take away his internet access altogether.

Days went by and we again found that he was getting around the system and lying about his hours. Bill took the wireless card out of the computer and told Josh he could only use it for school. Another meltdown ensued and Josh couldn't even make it throught a day at school without completely losing it. We were being called by the nurse and the social worker on a daily basis. Josh stated failing tests. He got dropped from level 4 English and history to level 3.

At this point it is pretty clear to us that he is addicted to the game. He is irritable and cranky when he can't play. He is obsessed with getting the game back and it's all he talks about when he talks to us. The kid who had been getting mostly As was getting Cs and Ds. We were engaged in a war of attrition, with Josh trying everything he could to get the game back. This time we were standing our ground and he was getting more and more hysterical. Finally, he told the social worker at school that we had ruined his life and that he didn't want to live anymore if he couldn't play WoW.

These days, when a kid says that (it's called "suicidal ideation"), the schools take it very seriously. They called us and said we had to take him to the hospital.

Where we went wrong

For the last two summers we have sent Josh to a summer camp where there were no electronic diversions. Heck, there wasn't even any electricity, except in the woodworking shop and the office. This was our attempt to get him to engage in healthier activities than just sitting in the basement in front of the computer. For seven weeks he did all the typical camp things: swimming, hiking, canoeing, etc. But as soon as he got home in August he made a beeline to the computer to resume playing his beloved WoW.

At this point we were not thinking that this was an addiction. We just felt that he spent too much time at it and didn't do enough other things. He was starting high school, which we had heard would be a lot tougher and more demanding than junior high, so we told him that we would restrict him to playing only on the weekends, and then only for two hours a day. Josh was not happy about this but we told him we would revisit it after a couple months, based on his grades and other activities.

About three weeks into the school year, Josh began negotiating for more WoW time. He worked on me and got me to help him convince his dad that he should get more time on the computer conditional on getting his homework and chores done first, participating in youth group at church and doing a couple of activities and/or sports at school. His dad was reluctant but finally gave in.

In the next few weeks, Josh did do his homework and chores for the most part. He went to a couple of youth group events and signed up for fencing. He did just the minimum to keep us off his back. He was getting good grades, but more because he is very bright than because he was really working at it. Over time he started missing fencing and youth group and had not signed up for any other activities at school. His social life consisted of hanging out with friends who were also WoW gamers. He did his chores only when reminded.

Bill and I became increasingly frustrated that Josh had not lived up to his end of the bargain. He was playing more and more and doing less and less outside of going to school and playing World of Warcraft. We decided that we would need to place additional restrictions on Josh's WoW time.

My teenage son is a World of Warcraft addict

I decided to start a blog because my son is addicted to World of Warcraft and we are struggling to understand it and help him overcome it. I am hoping this blog will do a couple of things: first, provide me with a therapeutic outlet; and second connect with other parents who are struggling with their kids' WoW addiction. Maybe we can help and support each other.

Josh (not his real name) has played for a couple of years now. It started out innocently enough. He played a couple hours a day when he didn't have anything else to do. Now it's all he wants to do. I am no authority on addictions, but he seems to exhibit all the behaviors of an addict: he gets crabby and argumentative when he can't play; when he's really nice to us, we know it's because he's found a way around our restrictions and has figured out how to get his next fix. He's become devious and deceitful in his attempts to get more playing time. His grades are getting worse and he doesn't seem to really care. He's become emotionally overwrought since we took the game away from him and has said life isn't worth living. As a result he is currently hospitalized in an adolescent psych ward.

I plan to chronicle how we ended up in this situation and how we (hopefully) get out of it with a healthy and well-adjusted son.